IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people around the world use social media every day to keep in touch with other people and get news events. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Many people in the world are utilizing social
media
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 as a tool for
communication
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as well as
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 informing them of current affairs. The writer believes social networking
sites
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 pose a great risk of privacy invasion
along with
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 misinformation despite their capabilities as a superior
communication
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 technology. When it comes to social
media
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, there is no doubt that the
users
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' privacy is not secured by any means.
That is
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 because people tend to post their personal
information
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 on social networking
sites
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 that promise to protect their personal
information
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 and only show their profiles to friends
also
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 relatives
although
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 many reports indicate those platforms rarely improve
information
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 security.
Furthermore
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, even if the
users
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 publish nothing about their lives, data analyzers can figure out the
users
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' private lives through several hints left
such
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 as recent interests in marketing.
As a result
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, the
users
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 are eventually bombarded with tons of cold calls and financial scams. Another disadvantage of social
media
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 stems from its insufficient authenticity. It must be understood how news is published directly by well-known telecoms or the user with no permission or reliable robots to check and remove the distorted
information
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 on the grounds that the social
media
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 providers are not willing to invest a huge budget to continuously maintain censorship which brings little profit for them.
Thus
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, misinformation will be widespread on social networking, causing detrimental impacts on society
along with
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 the economy, unless the government requests to discard it.
However
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, some people consider the benefits of social
media
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 in terms of
communication
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.
In other words
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, social networking
sites
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 work as intermediaries between peers and different generations for social purposes
due to
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 their precise, swift transmission of data over a distance via the Internet. It is true that they enhance both speed and the amount of
information
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 in
communication
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, but they
also
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 preclude face-to-face contact, eventually bringing about many medical problems associated with mental health.
Consequently
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,
this
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 impairs heavily factual
communication
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, leading to social disability in humans who depend on social networking
sites
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. In conclusion, the beneficial aspect of
communication
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 on social networking platforms is overshadowed by the drawbacks of intrusion into privacy and the lack of reliability. There must be a change in laws regarding social
media
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 to prompt it to upgrade its
users
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' security before becoming a safe social tool.

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task achievement
Your essay nicely addresses the topic, but it could benefit from more specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is generally good, but some paragraphs could benefit from stronger topic sentences to enhance clarity.
task achievement
You have clearly presented both sides of the argument and provided a thoughtful conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-formed, setting up the context and summarizing effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • facilitate
  • geographically separated
  • fostering
  • connectivity
  • instant communication
  • real-time information
  • misinformation
  • rigorous checks and balances
  • fake news
  • addictive nature
  • detract
  • face-to-face interactions
  • mental health
  • awareness of limitations
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