The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individuals and to the society, they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Some
people
argue that easy access to entertainment
on personal gadgets is dangerous for individuals and their communities. I completely agree with this
view and believe that it has harmful consequences on the lifestyle, mental well-being of a person, and communication skills in a society.
One reason to support this
argument is that it disrupts one’s daily routine. For example
, my nephew plays various video games on his phone until late at night, which has led to a disturbance of his sleep pattern and a significant reduction in his academic productivity. Additionally
, if people
engage in entertainment
during school and work hours, they will lack time
to achieve their goals. In other words
, their mental health may be affected, causing conditions such
as anxiety, stress and aggression over time
. Furthermore
, these unhealthy behaviours that are a result of excessive engagement can also
contribute to enhancing the rate of crimes and violence levels to some extent in their communities.
Another reason for my agreement with this
view is the reduction of social interaction. For instance
, playing on their own with their phone becomes a habit over time
for children, and eventually, they tend to play less with their friends than before. These individuals prefer spending time
with their devices and are interested in pursuing competitions to win in virtual space. Nevertheless
, it can be seen in family or friendly gatherings that close relationships are fading, and people
become more distant from each other.
On the other hand
, some may disagree with this
opinion, because they think that virtual activities offer an opportunity to learn new things and broaden perspectives, increasing creativity. However
, I believe that this
would involve unlimited time
, and unfortunately, people
would have to neglect other aspects of their duties at workplaces, schools, life, and society. Therefore
, facilitating access to such
entertainment
should be limited to promote a more fulfilling lifestyle.
In conclusion, I completely feel that facilitating access to electronic forms of entertainment
has negative effects on personal and social life. These can change one’s life plans, lead to unhealthy behaviour, and reduce social relationships. So, using of virtual program requires a certain time
and place.Submitted by sarmastsobhan1994 on
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay presents ideas in a logical sequence, each paragraph should introduce a single idea and follow it through to a conclusion. To improve readability and flow, make use of connective words and phrases.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and generally well-constructed, maintaining a clear position throughout the response. Introduce each main body paragraph with a clear topic sentence to signal the main point to the reader.
coherence cohesion
To enhance your main points, provide a range of specific examples that are fully developed and directly relevant to the claims you are making. This means expanding a little more on the examples you provide and ensuring they clearly support your argument.
task achievement
You've done well in providing a complete response to the task by appropriately addressing the prompt and consistently maintaining a clear position throughout your essay. Continuing to develop a balanced argument while ensuring a slightly more nuanced consideration of both perspectives could enhance your task achievement score.
task achievement
You present your ideas clearly, though at times the linking could be more nuanced. Aim to develop a more comprehensive argument through the use of complex sentences and a variety of sentence structures to express your points with greater clarity and sophistication.
task achievement
Cite relevant, specific examples to substantiate your argument, making sure they are detailed enough to convincingly support your point of view. These examples could be from personal experience, observations, or other sources that you can convincingly argue for.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example