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Band 5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination,while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearance
There's no doubt that a person's appearance affects how
others
 think about you and the way they view themselves. Nowadays, a huge amount of money is spent on a person's look including clothes, hairstyle and a lot more. In
this
 essay, I will discuss
should
Correct word choice
whether should
show examples
people
 worry about their physical images and the effect it has on them. To commence with, recently,
people
 treat
others
 based on what they wear, which brand or designer. They even categorise your social class based on that.
As a result
,
people
 can buy something they don't need or can even afford in order to feel that they are fit among
others
.
Secondly
, some
people
 change how they look, they can change their haircut or colour,
although
 those changes might not match their personality. Definitely, it doesn't matter how
others
 think about you as long as you are confident.
Therefore
,
people
 should focus more on what they have, they should embrace themselves, rather than listen to negative comments. Thinking of
others
Change noun form
others'
other's
show examples
 feedback can put a huge burden on personal emotions. One can spend a lot of money on a piece of cloth or jewellery in favour of other basic life needs.
Moreover
, it can lead to serious mental health issues,
such
 as anxiety or even worse
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
depression.
For example
, someone can stop eating
as a consequence
 of someone saying "You're fat".
Others
 can even make themselves vomit intentionally if they think that they ate too much. Those are two medical conditions known as Anorexia nervosa and Anorexia bulimia, respectively. To encapsulate, society should not listen to harsh comments. They should cherish what they
got
Verb problem
have
show examples
 already. The community must respect
different
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
others
Change noun form
others'
other's
show examples
 images and provide support for those who really need to change.
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Task Response
Try to more closely align your essay with the task by discussing both views mentioned in the prompt before presenting your own opinion. This will improve your task response score.
Coherence
To improve coherence, ensure your essay flows logically from one idea to the next. Use transition words and phrases more effectively to link sentences and paragraphs.
Cohesion
For better cohesion, work on tying your main ideas back to the thesis statement and ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea with clear examples. This will strengthen your argument and make it easier to follow.
General
Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to elevate your language proficiency. This will not only make your argument more persuasive but also more engaging to read.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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