Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination,while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearance

There's no doubt that a person's appearance affects how

others

think about you and the way they view themselves. Nowadays, a huge amount of money is spent on a person's look including clothes, hairstyle and a lot more. In

this

essay, I will discuss

should

Correct word choice

whether should

show examples

people

worry about their physical images and the effect it has on them. To commence with, recently,

people

treat

others

based on what they wear, which brand or designer. They even categorise your social class based on that.

As a result

people

can buy something they don't need or can even afford in order to feel that they are fit among

others

Secondly

, some

people

change how they look, they can change their haircut or colour,

although

those changes might not match their personality. Definitely, it doesn't matter how

others

think about you as long as you are confident.

Therefore

people

should focus more on what they have, they should embrace themselves, rather than listen to negative comments. Thinking of

others

Change noun form

others'

other's

show examples

feedback can put a huge burden on personal emotions. One can spend a lot of money on a piece of cloth or jewellery in favour of other basic life needs.

Moreover

, it can lead to serious mental health issues,

such

as anxiety or even worse

Change preposition

apply

show examples

depression.

For example

, someone can stop eating

as a consequence

of someone saying "You're fat".

Others

can even make themselves vomit intentionally if they think that they ate too much. Those are two medical conditions known as Anorexia nervosa and Anorexia bulimia, respectively. To encapsulate, society should not listen to harsh comments. They should cherish what they

got

Verb problem

have

show examples

already. The community must respect

different

Correct word choice

apply

show examples

others

Change noun form

others'

other's

show examples

images and provide support for those who really need to change.

Submitted by [email protected] on Mon Mar 25 2024

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Task Response

Try to more closely align your essay with the task by discussing both views mentioned in the prompt before presenting your own opinion. This will improve your task response score.

Coherence

To improve coherence, ensure your essay flows logically from one idea to the next. Use transition words and phrases more effectively to link sentences and paragraphs.

Cohesion

For better cohesion, work on tying your main ideas back to the thesis statement and ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea with clear examples. This will strengthen your argument and make it easier to follow.

General

Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to elevate your language proficiency. This will not only make your argument more persuasive but also more engaging to read.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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9Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

288 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 5.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 5.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

perseverance
discipline
resilience
effort
tenacity
external factors
financial resources
favorable appearance
perceptions
advantages
intrinsic
extrinsic
sustainable
facilitating
undeniable

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Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination,while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Some people say that the clothes people wear are the most indication of what they are like.Other,however say that people should not be judged by the clothes people wear.

Some people think the best way to solve global environmental problem is to increase the cost of fuel. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Governments should spend time on railways rather than roads.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some people believe that it is important for parents to tell or read stories for their children. Others think that parents don’t have to do this because there are many sources for children to read like books, comics and websites. Discuss both view and give your opinion.