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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Multicultural societies, where people of different groups live together, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#societies #people #groups #country
There is a controversial belief in multicultural communities that a
country
 with many people from different cultures will have more advantages than disadvantages. Personally, I totally agree with the statement because it can enhance cultural diversity and boost the
country
's economic growth. A
country
 that consists of people with different cultures will have cultural varieties
such
 as languages, traditional dances, traditional musical instruments, traditional foods, religions, ethnicity and many more. As a case in point, Indonesia is a
country
 of cultural diversity where some of
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 foods and traditional dances are among the best in the world.
Thus
, Indonesians can learn a lot
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
culture
Correct article usage
the culture
show examples
 in the
country
 and can preserve it
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the international level.
In addition
, a nation that has many cultures will improve the
country
's economy because it attracts tourists from foreign countries.
For example
, the province of Bali where they have a distinctive dance, namely the “Kecak dance” and “Pendet dance” which are always performed during art performances or in recreational areas.
Therefore
, tourism revenue in Bali Province is the highest in the
country
 as many tourists come for vacation there.
Likewise
, India has unique traditions in each region so that many tourists come and can increase the income of India, especially during the Diwali event in India, tourist arrivals can increase
up
Change preposition
by up
show examples
 to 75%. In light of the above analysis, I strongly agree that a
country
 consisting of multicultural communities will have more benefits than drawbacks because it can increase cultural diversification and enhance the
country
's economic growth.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Enhancement
Your essay successfully presents a clear argument, supporting it with relevant examples, which enriches the content. Consider varying your sentence structures more to enhance readability and engagement.
Enhancement
In places, your essay could benefit from more explicit linkage between ideas. Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs and within them.
Enhancement
You've made a good effort to introduce and conclude your essay effectively, which shapes your argument well. However, a more detailed conclusion might strengthen its impact, summarizing not just the benefits but also reflecting briefly on potential drawbacks (even if to dismiss them).
Task Achievement
The essay provides a strong stance, clearly aligned with the task's requirements, effectively arguing for the benefits of multicultural societies.
Task Achievement
Your essay effectively includes specific examples, like Indonesia's cultural diversity and tourism in Bali Province, which strongly support your points.
Coherence & Cohesion
The logical structure of your essay, including the way you've organized paragraphs and ideas, aids in delivering your argument effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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