Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football. But others think taking part in individual sports is better, like swimming. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some
people
prefer to spend
time
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
team
sports
,
while
others like to do
single player
Add a hyphen
single-player
show examples
sports
. In my opinion, as long as they do any
sports
which is valuable,
therefore
,
people
need to choose
sports
that are suitable for their needs.
This
essay will delve into both perspectives with my own opinion.
Firstly
,
team
sports
encourage
skills
such
as leadership and
teamworking
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
that are essential in
this
fast developing
Add a hyphen
fast-developing
show examples
society.
This
is because most corporate jobs require
teamworking
Replace the word
teamwork
show examples
skills
as they have many workers,
such
collaboration
skills
help to be more productive.
Additionally
, leadership
skills
can be developed by playing
team
sports
as it requires at least one leader in the
team
, which is
also
essential
Correct article usage
an essential
show examples
qualification
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bigger companies.
Therefore
, some organizations encourage their staff to play
team
sports
.
For instance
, in Mongolia, bigger corporations organize basketball
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
within
Change preposition
among
show examples
their staff annually.
As a result
, their worker can improve their
soft-
Correct your spelling
soft skills
show examples
skills
while
enjoying their free
time
.
Secondly
, individual
sports
maintain mental health as
people
need to spend
time
with themselves
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and push their boundaries
while
they are training.
This
is because spending
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
quality
time
is almost rare in
this
fast growing
Add a hyphen
fast-growing
show examples
society,
therefore
, some
people
take
Add an article
the chance
a chance
show examples
chance
Fix the agreement mistake
chances
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to release their stress after heavy workloads.
For instance
, the number of swimmers is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
growing
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days because they can spend
time
with
themslves
Correct your spelling
themselves
as most
people
devote their
time
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
work.
To conclude
, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
doing sport is essential, whether it is
team
or individual.
People
can choose
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
their own preferences,
such
as corporate workers prefer
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
teamwork
sports
as it
improve
Change the verb form
improves
show examples
their leadership and collaboration
skills
.
Conversely
, some
people
like to do
single player
Add a hyphen
single-player
show examples
sports
as it encourages their mental well-being.
Submitted by zulzayanyamkhu on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Continue to structure your essays with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion to effectively guide the reader.
Coherence & Cohesion
You can enhance coherence by using a wider variety of transition words and phrases between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task, discussing both views and providing your own opinion. This balanced approach is commendable.
Task Achievement
To further improve, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is fully developed with specific examples or reasons.
Structure
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Examples
The use of specific examples, like the mention of corporate basketball competitions in Mongolia, effectively supports your points.

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