Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football. But others think taking part in individual sports is better, like swimming. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Some
people
prefer to spend time
for
Change preposition
on
team
sports
, while
others like to do single player
Add a hyphen
single-player
sports
. In my opinion, as long as they do any sports
which is valuable, therefore
, people
need to choose sports
that are suitable for their needs. This
essay will delve into both perspectives with my own opinion.
Firstly
, team
sports
encourage skills
such
as leadership and teamworking
that are essential in Correct your spelling
teamwork
this
fast developing
society. Add a hyphen
fast-developing
This
is because most corporate jobs require teamworking
Replace the word
teamwork
skills
as they have many workers, such
collaboration skills
help to be more productive. Additionally
, leadership skills
can be developed by playing team
sports
as it requires at least one leader in the team
, which is also
essential
qualification Correct article usage
an essential
to
Change preposition
for
the
bigger companies. Correct article usage
apply
Therefore
, some organizations encourage their staff to play team
sports
. For instance
, in Mongolia, bigger corporations organize basketball competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
within
their staff annually. Change preposition
among
As a result
, their worker can improve their soft-
Correct your spelling
soft skills
skills
while
enjoying their free time
.
Secondly
, individual sports
maintain mental health as people
need to spend time
with themselves,
and push their boundaries Remove the comma
apply
while
they are training. This
is because spending the
quality Correct article usage
apply
time
is almost rare in this
fast growing
society, Add a hyphen
fast-growing
therefore
, some people
take Add an article
the chance
a chance
chance
Fix the agreement mistake
chances
it
to release their stress after heavy workloads. Correct pronoun usage
apply
For instance
, the number of swimmers is the
growing Correct article usage
apply
in
these days because they can spend Change preposition
apply
time
with themslves
as most Correct your spelling
themselves
people
devote their time
at
work.
Change preposition
to
To conclude
, in my opinion
doing sport is essential, whether it is Add a comma
opinion,
team
or individual. People
can choose it
their own preferences, Correct pronoun usage
apply
such
as corporate workers prefer to
teamwork Change preposition
apply
sports
as it improve
their leadership and collaboration Change the verb form
improves
skills
. Conversely
, some people
like to do single player
Add a hyphen
single-player
sports
as it encourages their mental well-being.Submitted by zulzayanyamkhu on
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Coherence & Cohesion
Continue to structure your essays with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion to effectively guide the reader.
Coherence & Cohesion
You can enhance coherence by using a wider variety of transition words and phrases between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task, discussing both views and providing your own opinion. This balanced approach is commendable.
Task Achievement
To further improve, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is fully developed with specific examples or reasons.
Structure
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Examples
The use of specific examples, like the mention of corporate basketball competitions in Mongolia, effectively supports your points.
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