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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football. But others think taking part in individual sports is better, like swimming. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #part #sports #teams #football
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Some
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to spend
time
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
team
Use synonyms
sports
Use synonyms
,
while
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 others like to do
single player
Add a hyphen
single-player
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, as long as they do any
sports
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 which is valuable,
therefore
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,
people
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 need to choose
sports
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 that are suitable for their needs.
This
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 essay will delve into both perspectives with my own opinion.
Firstly
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,
team
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sports
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 encourage
skills
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such
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 as leadership and
teamworking
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
 that are essential in
this
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fast developing
Add a hyphen
fast-developing
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 society.
This
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 is because most corporate jobs require
teamworking
Replace the word
teamwork
show examples
skills
Use synonyms
 as they have many workers,
such
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 collaboration
skills
Use synonyms
 help to be more productive.
Additionally
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, leadership
skills
Use synonyms
 can be developed by playing
team
Use synonyms
sports
Use synonyms
 as it requires at least one leader in the
team
Use synonyms
, which is
also
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essential
Correct article usage
an essential
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 qualification
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bigger companies.
Therefore
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, some organizations encourage their staff to play
team
Use synonyms
sports
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.
For instance
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, in Mongolia, bigger corporations organize basketball
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
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within
Change preposition
among
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 their staff annually.
As a result
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, their worker can improve their
soft-
Correct your spelling
soft skills
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skills
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while
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 enjoying their free
time
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.
Secondly
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, individual
sports
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 maintain mental health as
people
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 need to spend
time
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 with themselves
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and push their boundaries
while
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 they are training.
This
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 is because spending
the
Correct article usage
apply
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quality
time
Use synonyms
 is almost rare in
this
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fast growing
Add a hyphen
fast-growing
show examples
 society,
therefore
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, some
people
Use synonyms
 take
Add an article
the chance
a chance
show examples
chance
Fix the agreement mistake
chances
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it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to release their stress after heavy workloads.
For instance
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, the number of swimmers is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
growing
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days because they can spend
time
Use synonyms
 with
themslves
Correct your spelling
themselves
 as most
people
Use synonyms
 devote their
time
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at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 work.
To conclude
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, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 doing sport is essential, whether it is
team
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 or individual.
People
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 can choose
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
their own preferences,
such
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 as corporate workers prefer
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
teamwork
sports
Use synonyms
 as it
improve
Change the verb form
improves
show examples
 their leadership and collaboration
skills
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.
Conversely
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, some
people
Use synonyms
 like to do
single player
Add a hyphen
single-player
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 as it encourages their mental well-being.
Submitted by zulzayanyamkhu on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Continue to structure your essays with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion to effectively guide the reader.
Coherence & Cohesion
You can enhance coherence by using a wider variety of transition words and phrases between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task, discussing both views and providing your own opinion. This balanced approach is commendable.
Task Achievement
To further improve, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is fully developed with specific examples or reasons.
Structure
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Examples
The use of specific examples, like the mention of corporate basketball competitions in Mongolia, effectively supports your points.
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