IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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One of the most prevalent trends in the contemporary world is the cumulative increase in smart devices among youngsters. Large companies are developing different strategies and attract undergraduates. In my point of view,
this
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 is a negative development, in which technology restricts the growth of teenagers’ mental strength.
This
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 stance will be proven by carefully analysing how it is not beneficial for students. On the one hand, waste of
time
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 and fitness issues. The main reason is that teenagers spend
time
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 watching movies , playing
games
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 and texting messages to their friends. Another factor is that sometimes they play restricted
games
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, which has negative effects on their mental well-being.
For example
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, those types of pupils suffer from weight gain problems and mental health issues, in the Blacktown Hospital, New South Wales a majority of postgraduates admitted,
due to
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 anger management issues. No doubt some students benefit from technology with their school work and exam preparation. Some become scientists and doctors because of read from the Internet and used for their career.
As a result
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, it is evident that the excessive purpose of electronic devices is harmful to strength.
In contrast
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, I think,
this
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 is a negative development, the primary factor is that tutees waste their
time
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 playing video
games
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 and rays emitted by screens damage their eyes. Another reason is that companies attract the younger generation towards the latest gadgets, modern
games
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 and comics.
For instance
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, a number of students visited the Spec Saver to check their eyes and a medical report printed in the year 2023, Herald newspaper was scary, about 20% of younger suffered from excess use of screen
time
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.
As a consequence
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, it is apparent why scholars are attracted towards new technologies. In conclusion, following the analysis of both advantages and disadvantages,
it is clear that
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 the adoption of technology among sophomores is good only if they need it for school work and knowledge
instead
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 of highly used for
games
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 and chatting, which is dangerous for their health and career.
Further
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, it is predicted that
this
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 development is going to continue in the future as well.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Be mindful of repeating points across paragraphs - it's important for each paragraph to introduce new insights related to your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve clarity, aim to have a more distinct separation between your introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This will also help in logically structuring your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Integrating a wider variety of sentence structures can enhance the readability and flow of your essay. Consider experimenting with compound and complex sentences.
Task Achievement
Though your essay addresses the task and provides relevant examples, increasing the depth of your analysis can strengthen your argument. Address the 'why' behind the points you present for a more comprehensive exploration.
Task Achievement
To ensure full task achievement, make sure your conclusion clearly summarizes your stance and the main points of the essay. This reinforces the argument presented.
Introduction & Conclusion
You effectively introduced the topic and clearly presented your stance.
Supporting Examples
Your essay included relevant examples which support your argument, such as the case study from Blacktown Hospital.
Logical Structure
The essay was structured with recognizable paragraphs, and you made an effort to link ideas together.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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