IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that the government should offer financial support and care to old people, while others think that people should save money for their future life. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some communities argue that the
government
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 should give economic
support
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 and take care of the old community.
However
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, others claim
that is
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 it a waste and should store money for the future. I agree to a greater extent. Regarding
this
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 topic, there are a number of positive effects
due to
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 fundamental rights and the future of ours. The first effect is fundamental rights. Supporting is the fundamental right of old
people
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. When they're young, they pay
taxes
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 for the development of the country.
For example
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, they did take care of old
people
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 in the past.
Therefore
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, they paid
taxes
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 to older
people
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.
people
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 need to receive
government
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support
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. The second
reason
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 is the future of ours. When we get old, we will retire in society. If the economy of our society is hard, we may not be able to pay medical bills and buy food. At
this
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 time, we need
support
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 from the
government
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.
However
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, when thinking of
this
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reason
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, the topic shows a significant negative effect. The first
reason
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 is decreasing in country finances. When the
government
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 use
taxes
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 to
support
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 old
people
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. The
government
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 may be not other aspects,
such
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 as science and medicine.
Moreover
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,
people
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 may turn away from supporting of elderly. The next
reason
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 is the decreasing birth rate. When the
government
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 pays
taxes
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 to
support
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 the elderly rather than the childbirth policy. Many married couples will not birth to babies. Because house prices and education bills will increase,
therefore
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 married couples will live hardly without the
support
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 of the
government
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 When considering all these points in mind. in conclusion, discussing their points. I agree to a greater extent that the
government
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 should help the elderly. Because it is a reward from their efforting.
Moreover
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, when older
people
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 were young, they had
support
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 for other
people
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 and weak
people
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.
Therefore
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, we need to think and
support
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 the elderly.

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task achievement
Ensure clarity in presenting your arguments and avoid general statements without specific examples or explanations.
task achievement
It's beneficial to introduce counterarguments more clearly to enhance the balance in discussion.
coherence and cohesion
Use a variety of linking words to improve logical progression between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Try to maintain consistent tenses and pay attention to grammatical accuracy to enhance the overall readability of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your arguments.
task achievement
Good effort in discussing both views and providing your own opinion, as the task requires.
coherence and cohesion
You made an effort to support your main points with explanations, which strengthens your arguments.
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