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Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that government should spend money on building new train lines,while others believe that improving public transport is more beneficial.Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#people #government #money #train #lines #transport
The
transportation
 revolution is accelerating at a faster pace. Some
people
 believe that governing bodies should allocate funds in building more
train
 routes
whereas
 others argue that the funds should be invested in improvisation of existing public
transportation
. I firmly believe that money spent on upgrading commonly used
transportation
 would be considered a positive approach. To commence with, building new
train
 routes in countryside
areas
 would help individuals to connect more easily to the urban parts.
As developing
Change preposition
Developing
show examples
 new
train
 lines will benefit
people
 living in rural
areas
 in many ways.
Firstly
, they will be able to not only
travel
 to metro cities without spending much on
travel
 costs but
also
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
spend more time exploring city life.
For example
, developing new railway lines in the village of Agra will mitigate the school-going students’ problem of travelling as they have to
travel
 2 hours prior to their school.
However
, money spent on certain
areas
 would not solely solve the problem of the country.
On the other hand
, making improvisations on public
transportation
such
 as local
buses
 would help to alleviate the transport problems in cities,
for example
,
due to
 the shortage and inconvenience of bus seats
people
 tend to use private transport like Uber or their vehicles for affordability and
comfortness
Correct your spelling
comfort
. If the government could invest money in the
overall
 infrastructure of the bus,
people
 would definitely prefer these modernized
buses
 over private
transportation
 in order to save their
travel
 costs.
Secondly
, adding more
buses
 for one route might help the crowd to scatter properly
as a result
, everyone should be able to get properly seated.
Therefore
, making small efforts from the
transportation
 authorities could help the city to become more developed and prosperous. Despite new
train
Add a comma
train,
show examples
 routes would be responsible for connecting
people
 from different parts, improving local
buses
 lead individuals to
travel
 hassle-free and in a cost-effective manner.
Thus
, I believe that the government should develop certain
areas
 in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 more prosperous manner by allocating funds to modernized
buses
.
Submitted by saniyakalsi3736 on

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Structure & Flow
You've done a great job of laying out your essay in a structured and logical manner. Each paragraph smoothly transitions into the next, which greatly enhances the overall flow and understandability of your argument.
Grammar & Spelling
Make sure to proofread your essay to correct minor grammatical and spelling errors. These small mistakes can slightly distract from the overall quality of your writing, but they're easy to fix with a quick review.
Vocabulary
To further strengthen your argument, consider incorporating a wider range of vocabulary. This does not necessarily mean using complex words but varying your language to vividly express your ideas and keep the reader engaged.
Argument Depth
Your essay effectively discusses both sides of the argument and provides clear reasoning for your opinion. However, to elevate your essay further, consider deepening your analysis with more detailed examples or data to support your claims. This added depth can provide more weight to your arguments and make your essay even more compelling to the reader.
Structure
Effective structure and logical argument flow
Opinion & Justification
Clear presentation of personal opinion with justification
Example Usage
Use of relevant examples to support points

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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