IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In many countries, government are investing in new technology to deal with the public. Why is this happening? Do you think this is an apporiate use of government money?

#countries #government #technology #apporiate #money
Because of developing countries, the population in areas is increasing, so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the problem of
incapable
Add a missing verb
being incapable
show examples
 of public in
city
Add an article
the city
show examples
 is very complicated.
This
 is essential for people so
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments should pay money to invest
new
Change preposition
in new
show examples
technology
 to deal with the public. The majority of people increasingly
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
deal with
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
.
This
 means that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
immigration to other countries
due to
 rising
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
popularity in each
area
, the appearance of
criminal
Fix the agreement mistake
criminals
show examples
 and
also
 some problems of moving
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 some places is difficult
that is
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 in traffic jams in rush hour.
For example
, strangers can break into
house
Fix the agreement mistake
houses
show examples
 to catch
somethings
Correct your spelling
some things
show examples
may
Correct pronoun usage
that may
show examples
 be valuable
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is the result
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 pessimistic about people and authorities in each
area
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not
set
Wrong verb form
setting
show examples
 up the
technology
 of security on roads and streets.
Thus
, the population in
city
Add an article
the city
show examples
 is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 main reason
due to
appearance
Correct article usage
the appearance
show examples
 of
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 in public. To tackle
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 problem, the priority of
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 best way to solve it is governments and authorities should pay money to invest
new
Change preposition
in new
show examples
technology
 to face to face public
such
 as
technology
Add an article
the technology
show examples
 of security and expanding on roads in a main
area
 has more important.
This
 is a good idea to deal with a public basic on traffic jams, crime and especially developing of countries. In conclusion, new
technology
 in society is very criminal to tackle lots of problems that can
be impacted
Wrong verb form
impact
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
financial
Replace the word
finances
show examples
 in
this
 country and
also
 decline in
developing
Replace the word
development
show examples
 in all face of
this
area
. Basically, investing
new
Change preposition
in new
show examples
technology
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Provide a clear thesis statement in your introduction to outline the essay's direction.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use paragraphs effectively to structure your ideas. Each paragraph should have one main idea and supporting details.
Task Achievement
Be clear in your argument. Avoid overly complex sentences if they compromise clarity.
Task Achievement
Use specific examples to illustrate your points. This will make your arguments more convincing.
General Advice
Work on improving grammatical accuracy and widening your range of vocabulary. This will enhance the clarity and impact of your writing.
Task Achievement
Addressing the importance of technology in managing public issues shows relevance to the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
Attempting to conclude and bring together your points shows you understand the importance of an essay structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: