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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that most crime is a result of circumstances, e.g. poverty and other social problems. Others, however, believe most crime is caused by people who are bad by nature. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #crime #circumstances #e #g #poverty #nature
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In recent years, there is still a significant increase in the number of criminals in many countries, even if their national economy is growing.
Therefore
, people hold different views about the factors contributing to
crimes
. Some people believe that the soaring crime rates are related to circumstances, including poverty and other social problems. One main reason is that the majority of offenders are indeed poor,
due to
socially-disadvantaged
Correct your spelling
socially disadvantaged
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background
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backgrounds
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 or lack of the ability to make a living.
Consequently
, they are forced to steal or rob in the case where their desires,
such
 as decent clothes or exquisite meals, cannot be fulfilled by their own money.
Besides
, young convicts may be influenced by violent scenes in
media
Correct article usage
the media
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. Generally, the actors and their
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
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 may be cool from their perspective, so they
unconsciously
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are unconsciously
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 and adversely affected and even begin to imitate the actions in their real life, which are more prone to damage others and even break laws.
However
, the fact that some governors with power
Add the comma(s)
, as well as intelligence and managers with wealth,
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as well as
 intelligence and managers with wealth
also
 violate laws denies the view above.
Hence
, some individuals think that genes dictate whether one
commit
Correct subject-verb agreement
commits
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crimes
 or not. In their view, the reason why the wealthy or
cleaver
Correct your spelling
clever
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 commit
crimes
 is that they are bad naturally. That means it is the traits that they inherited from
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
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 that decide their cruel
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
However
, if
this
 were true, we could predict a person’s personality or character from the moment they are born. In my view, it is the interaction of nature and nurture that shapes a person’s value and
Fix the agreement mistake
influences
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influence
Fix the agreement mistake
influences
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if
Correct word choice
whether
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 one person will commit
crimes
 or not.
Submitted by wanghongyu1 on

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Task Response
To enhance task response, consider adding more varied and detailed examples to support your viewpoints. This could deepen the analysis and make your arguments more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, try to use a wider range of linking devices and topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs to improve the flow of ideas.
Task Achievement
You've done an excellent job discussing both views on the causes of crime, as well as providing your own opinion, demonstrating a clear understanding of the task.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is commendable. You introduced the topic, discussed both sides, and concluded with your opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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