IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent, do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
Many individuals believe that authorities ought to concentrate on reducing housing
problems
 and environmental
pollution
 so that illness and disease can be avoided.
This
 writer agrees with
this
 opinion as these factors have profound impacts on health. It needs to be understood that reducing the amount of pollutants protects people from numerous issues. As the environment has been highly polluted, dangerous chemicals can easily attend to the food chain by poisoning food and water that are consumed by animals and humans. Especially in recent years, the rate of people who are poisoned by food and water has increased,
according to
 WHO’s research.
Therefore
, eliminating
pollution
 is one of the best and basic ways to protect citizens and governments should immediately take action.
However
, some opponents argue that governments need to put more effort into medical treatment and hospitals because they will have long-term efficiency. Though
this
 idea has its own right, it is usually expensive and time-consuming to improve the quality of
this
 service.
Hence
, dealing with primary causes,
such
 as environmental and housing
problems
, seems to be much more cost-effective. It is
also
 worth considering that housing issues affect residents seriously. Not only
pollution
, living conditions and areas may damage people’s health, both mentally and physically.
In other words
, citizens with no accommodation or having bad living conditions may end up with psychiatric and physical matters,
such
 as depression and irritation.
According to
 research in the USA, the number of people getting sick in slums is higher than those in high-quality houses.
Therefore
, housing
problems
 may lead to potentially dangerous diseases and
problems
. In brief, reducing
problems
 relating to
pollution
 and accommodation is
government’s
Correct article usage
the government’s
show examples
 priority.
Hence
, it is essential for them to think of policies to tackle these issues.
Submitted by nguyenkhuyenhcmcs4k11 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure, which makes your arguments easy to follow. Continue to maintain this organization in your writings.
Coherence & Cohesion
Remember to include a variety of linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas and paragraphs. You've made good use of these tools, but diversifying them further can enhance the overall flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
Well done on addressing the task directly and providing clear opinions and arguments. This strengthens your task achievement significantly.
Language Development
Consider incorporating a wider range of sentence structures and more complex vocabulary to elevate your language. Although clear, more variety can demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
Task Achievement
Try to include more detailed examples to support your points. While you have included relevant examples, more specificity could make your arguments even more persuasive.
Structure & Clarity
You've provided a clear thesis statement and followed it with cogent arguments, which is excellent for both task response and coherence.
Relevance to Task
Good job on maintaining focus on the topic without drifting into unrelated areas. This focus is key to achieving a high score in task achievement.
Effective Conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your arguments, reinforcing the position taken in the introduction. This full-circle approach is very effective and recommended.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
What to do next:
Look at other essays: