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Band 6

Some people think that young people should go to University to further their education while others think they should be encouraged to work as all builders et cetera to serve society discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #university #education #work #builders #cetera #society
It is believed by some that new generation people should attend
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
schools and finish their courses,
while
 others might say social services are more important and young people should be encouraged to help our society. In the following paragraphs, both viewpoints and my opinion will be outlined. Going to universities definitely gives learners tremendous
knowledge
. It is undeniable that
this
knowledge
 is acquired by intellectual professors and teachers in every module or course.
However
, it is not only
knowledge
 that these people provide to their learners but
also
 beneficial advice and suggestions which will
further
 their careers in the future.
For instance
, law students, need to read the amount of uncountable books, if they do not have someone to guide them or supervise them. It is hard to believe that they will remember everything and be able to adapt what they have learnt in the real future case without
guidance
Add an article
the guidance
show examples
 of their teachers.
On the contrary
, money is something
that is
 essential to our lives in big cities. It is the fact that the earlier year they start working, the more money they earn. The adolescent boys or girls can look in the newspaper or any advertisement and
then
 hand their application to companies that need mostly manpower not some thinking method
such
 as workers at a construction site. Even if boys and girls do not have much
knowledge
, meantime, they have money which is a pivotal part of living in society and bringing happiness to their families. In my opinion, I would rather suggest attending
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
universities as we can obtain
knowledge
 to
further
 our future jobs.
Moreover
, we can use it to convince the employees to raise our salary which is necessary in our lives.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task achievement
Ensure each paragraph is clearly focused on a single idea, supporting it with specific examples or explanations. Some paragraphs could be developed further with more concrete examples to illustrate your points.
coherence cohesion
Consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay and make the relationship between ideas clearer.
task achievement
While discussing both views and providing your own opinion, strive to maintain a balanced approach before concluding with your personal stance. This will strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to incorporate more varied sentence structures to enhance readability and keep your reader engaged. This also demonstrates your linguistic capability.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively bookmarking your discussion.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic, showing consideration of different views before stating your own opinion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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