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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Causes of bullying in school are increasing and worsening. What do you think are the causes of this? How can we tackle this issue?

#school
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In modern society, it is commonly observed that in order to address the problem of student bullying, its
causes
such
 as too much focus on outstanding academic performance and
competition
 among
students
 must be clearly understood by society. In
this
 essay, the main
causes
 of the phenomenon and possible solutions will be examined in turn.
To begin
 with, there are some obvious
causes
 of the issue. These days, bullying in
school
 is principally caused by problems within the
school
 system
such
 as too much focus on high academic achievement and
competition
 between
students
.
This
 issue has occurred because
students
 are under immense social pressure to succeed in life.
For example
, In South Korea, It is common to find
students
 who are told by their parents and teachers that they cannot succeed if they are not the best in everything they do.
As a result
 of
this
, the pressure to be perfect all the time can cause
students
 to rebel and behave violently against other
students
.
This
 shows that violence can stem from the policies of the
school
 system which emphasize the importance of grades and
competition
.
On the other hand
, to alleviate the prevalent
causes
 of bullying in
school
, the government should promote awareness about the values of cooperation and trust. Teaching
students
 to work together can help to relieve the pressure
that is
 caused by fierce
competition
 in academic classes.
For instance
, alternative kinds of assignments
such
 as group projects could effectively show
students
 that it is essential to cooperate and trust other team members even in a competitive environment.
As a result
 of
this
 innovative method,
students
 will begin to consider their classmates as friends
instead
 of enemies.
This
 demonstrates that changing
students
' value systems can solve the widespread problem of student bullying. In conclusion, the
causes
 related to the problem of peer bullying in
school
 can be sufficiently alleviated if people acknowledge the fact that society must formulate effective solutions.
Submitted by jihyei0910 on

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task achievement
Ensure to elaborate on the solutions with more varied examples and potential outcomes to give more depth to your essay.
task achievement
Try to provide a counter-argument or consider other perspectives to enrich the discussion.
coherence cohesion
Use more transitional phrases to clearly demonstrate the relation between paragraphs and to enhance flow.
task achievement
The essay clearly identifies and explains the main causes of bullying in schools and suggests logical solutions.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
The use of the South Korea example strengthens the argument about academic pressure being a root cause of bullying.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Peer pressure
  • Desensitize
  • Aggressive behavior
  • Neglect
  • Abuse
  • Supervision
  • Anti-bullying measures
  • Societal norms
  • Stereotypes
  • Dominance
  • Cyberbullying
  • Anonymity
  • Digital devices
  • Enforcement
  • Cultural tolerance
What to do next:
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