In some countries, people these days spend little time with their children. What are the causes of this? Whome does this affect more, parents or children?
Nowadays, being busy with work and spending less
time
with children
has become common in this
world and has to impact on children
. I will discuss this
topic in upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
with, the advancement of the world and technology causes people to be busy working and have very little time
to spend with their children
. For example
, now both parents
are working to increase their income and live a luxurious life in future which the children
are suffering because they hire a caregiver or take care of their offspring. Therefore
, children
adopt technology and spend the whole time
playing with computers, and mobile devices such
as video games.
Furthermore
, this
reason would impact on mentally and
unaware of the traditions and culture of the society. Correct word choice
apply
For instance
, when children
spend the whole day with other people and on the computer then
how will they know about their traditions and cultural values? Due to
this
fact, many people forget their norms values
in Correct word choice
and values
this
society. In addition
, although
families live under one roof children
start to feel strangers
to their Change preposition
like strangers
parents
even though they hesitate to share their feelings and emotions which affects their minds. At some point, conflicts and disputes started between the parents
and children
.
In conclusion, spending little time
with offspring creates differences between them if it is not balanced. Parents
are the only ones who teaches
the lesson of life so, they should spend Change the verb form
teach
time
with their children
and teach them discipline and manners as well.Submitted by AP on
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Introduction
Try to provide a clearer introduction that outlines the main causes and impacts discussed in the essay to guide the reader.
Paragraph Structure
Organize your paragraphs more effectively by dedicating specific paragraphs to causes, impacts on children, impacts on parents, and possible solutions for a more structured argument.
Connecting Ideas
To enhance coherence, use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly between and within paragraphs.
Supporting Examples
Incorporate more specific examples to support your points. Real-world examples or hypothetical situations can make your arguments more compelling.
Grammar and Accuracy
Be mindful of grammatical errors and work on improving your sentence structure for clearer expression of ideas.
Conclusion
Consider developing a more nuanced conclusion that not only summarizes the main points but also potentially offers insights or recommendations for improvement.
Task Achievement
You've addressed both parts of the question regarding the causes and whom it affects more, showing a good understanding of the task.
Understanding of Topic
Your essay reflects an awareness of the topic's importance and attempts to discuss its complexities.
Attempt at Cohesion
You've made an effort to connect your ideas, though using more varied and sophisticated linking words could improve cohesion.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic
Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.
You essay structure should look something like this:
- Introduction
- Body paragraph 1 – Problems
- Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
- Conclusion
Examples to start your body paragraph:
- One of the first problems of the...
- Another problem that needs to be considered...
- A possible solution to this problem would be...
- One immediate practical solution is to...