Some people say the most important thing about being rich is that it gives you the opportunity to give back or help the poor. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement

#people #opportunity

Many individuals believe that being a rich person is the most vital because they can utilize the money to help other societies. I highly agree with

this

statement because of two reasons: can get more euphoria and get more impact in the imminent. The following paragraph will give more elaboration about

this

essay. First of all, money is a crucial factor to bring delight in people’s life. All of the people can do all of favourable things with the fee.

However

, there are a lot of people who can not feel

this

condition.

For instance

, the Citizens in Papua, which is one of the city in Indonesia, have suffered stunting because lack of money to buy some foods. So, as a human beings, helping others is important and in psychologycal field, giving an aid to other can enhance our enjoyment.

Secondly

, Giving an aid to other people

also

can affect in the eventual life. As an example, Fatia Fairuza, who is one of Indonesia influencer, alocates the funding to give an education scholarship for young generation. She

also

built “shape your life” as a form of contribution place. In the next era, the Youth who will get

this

scholarship will give more contribution with their knowledge.

To sum up

, being rich can give more benefits specifically in two perspective:

First,

Psychological side which is can be a way to bring pleasure.

Second,

in the imminent perspective, help action can give better forthcoming for other human’s life.

Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on Wed May 01 2024

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Grammar

To improve even further, consider varying your sentence structures more to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures. This can add complexity and sophistication to your writing.

Grammar & Clarity

Be careful with the use of plural and singular forms ('a lot of people who cannot feel this condition' could be improved to 'many people cannot experience this condition'). Paying attention to these details can enhance the clarity of your argument.

Argument Development

Work on developing your ideas more thoroughly by explaining how the examples you chose specifically support your main points. Expanding on your examples will make your arguments more persuasive and impactful.

Coherence & Cohesion

Use transitional phrases to improve the flow of your writing. While your essay is mostly coherent, using phrases like 'Furthermore', 'In addition', or 'As a result' can help to make your argumentation smoother and more coherent.

Use of Examples

You have effectively used a variety of examples to support your points, which makes your essay more compelling.

Structure

Your essay has a clear structure with a well-defined introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This organization enhances the overall clarity and readability of your text.

Task Response

Your position on the topic is clear and maintained throughout the essay, demonstrating a good understanding of the task requirement.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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8Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

246 words

6.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 9.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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