IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Conducting sports events such as Olympics or World cup encourage people to live healthy. While some people indicate that there are various other methods to remain healthy. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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A considerable amount of
people
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 claim that organising
sports
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 events helps
people
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 to stay healthy.
Whereas
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, some have opined that other ways are advisable to keep
people
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 healthy.
According to
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 me, to remain healthy, other strategies are more important
such
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 as many awareness programs being established these days.
People
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 who think that
sports
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 have the main role in influencing the public towards a healthy life, which most of them consider the
sports
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 person as their role model. That means they follow and replicate whatever sportsmen or women do.
For example
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, to win these kinds of games, a lot of physical activity and an accurate diet are required.
people
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 who are fans of their star will observe and follow exactly to them.
Therefore
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,the Olympic games and the World Cup contribute to the mass to stay healthy.
On the other hand
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, there are other ways
such
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 as awareness programs and teaching
people
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 which help to stay fit. The Government organize many programmes through social media, posters and sending medical teams from street to street which the
people
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 can apply in their lives and stay away from diseases.
For instance
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, many non-communicable conditions can be preventable by recognition
such
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 as Hypertension, Cardiac diseases and Diabetes Mellitus.
Thus
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, by
such
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 methods,
people
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 can save their lives from health issues. In conclusion,
although
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sports
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 events or
sports
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 stars have the biggest part in remaining healthy, authorities can distribute the knowledge door to door which is beneficial for every individual who is not watching or interested in
sports
Use synonyms
.

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Task Achievement
Your essay effectively discusses both viewpoints and your stance, but for an even stronger response, try to delve deeper into each argument with more detailed examples and a nuanced analysis.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance the logical flow of ideas, consider using a wider variety of transition phrases between sentences and paragraphs, which can help guide the reader more smoothly through your arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
It would be beneficial to introduce a brief summary of opposing views in your conclusion to reinforce the comprehensiveness of your discussion before stating your final opinion.
Introduction
You effectively introduced the topic and presented a clear thesis statement outlining your essay.
Logical Structure
Your essay maintains a clear structure with well-defined paragraphs for each viewpoint and your opinion, helping readability and comprehension.
Supported Main Points
You provided relevant examples to support your arguments, such as the impact of sports figures on public health and government awareness programs.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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