IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

It is often thought that the increase in juvenile crime can be attributed to violence in the media. Do you agree that this is the main cause of juvenile crime? What solutions can you offer to deal with this situation?

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Some people believe that violence in the media causes to increase in the
crime
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rate
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that is
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 done by adolescents.
Although
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 it is one of the reasons behind juvenile
crime
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, I think that there are many factors that affect the
crime
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rate
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 of teenagers.
This
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 essay will demonstrate the other factors and suggest some possible solutions that might help to reduce these kinds of inappropriate activities of juveniles. There are several issues that help to increase the
rate
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 of
crime
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 and the media is considered as one of them.
However
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, it is undeniable that family
environment
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, influence of peers, and lack of education might assist in the growth of the juvenile atrocity
rate
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. If teenagers are from disadvantaged neighbourhoods with limited access to quality schooling and if they come from a dysfunctional family
environment
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 with parental neglect,
then
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 they may face pressure from peers involved in criminal activities.
For instance
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, studies have shown that 56% of teenagers are involved in misdeeds in Bangladesh as they have no parental guidance and limited access to standard education
as well as
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 the influence of friends. Regarding the possible solutions,
firstly
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,
parents
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 should be punished as their adolescents perform some grave activities. If
parents
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 were held accountable,
then
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 they would definitely spend more time with their
children
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. It might lead to increased bonding between
parents
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 and their
children
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.
Consequently
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, the lawlessness percentage will be reduced.
For example
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, countries like Japan and South Korea are often cited for relatively low rates of juvenile wrongdoing because
parents
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 are considered as part of punishment as their offspring do improper actions and
that is
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 why they always supervise their
children
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 for substantial amounts of time. In conclusion, violence in the media cannot be the main reason for increasing the amount of
crime
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 by
children
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, other factors
such
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 as family
environment
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, peer influence, and limited access to quality education
also
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 ameliorate juvenile
crime
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rate
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 and
this
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 can be solved by improving the family
environment
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.

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development of ideas
Though your essay presents coherent arguments and structures them well, there’s an opportunity to refine the development of your examples and evidence. Present more specific, detailed examples that are directly linked to the reasons and solutions you discuss.
explication
Be sure to explore and expand on your ideas further. It's beneficial to explain how each factor contributes to juvenile crime more deeply, and enumerate your solutions in a manner that addresses the complexity of the issues.
linguistic range
Consider using a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely. This will enhance the sophistication of your writing and effectively convey nuances in your argument.
task response
Your essay adequately addresses the task, presenting a clear position throughout the response.
structure
You've structured your essay effectively, with a logical flow of ideas and a clear introduction and conclusion.
paragraphing
You effectively use paragraphs to organize your ideas, contributing to the overall coherence and cohesion of your essay.
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