IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Do you think the government is right to stop people using mobile phones while driving?

#government #right #people #phones
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In
this
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 modern world, mobile
phones
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 have become indispensable gadgets. Without mobile
phones
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, folks can't dream of even a single day.
However
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,
according to
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 a recent survey,
due to
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 the increased usage of
phones
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while
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 driving, a huge number of accidents tend to happen on the
road
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.
Hence
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, the
government
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 is currently stopping people from using mobiles
while
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 driving. I certainly support that move by the
government
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 and I have below reasons to support my stance. Foremost, during
road
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 accidents, most times victims either lose life or suffer fatal injuries, which prevent them from taking part in both work & social life.
This
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 leads to a greater burden for the victim's family and indirectly for the
state
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 as well.
This
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 is mainly because, sufferers can be the sole breadwinner for their families and if they can't work, it creates a huge onus for their dependants.
Additionally
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, the
state
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,
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apply
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may lose talented folks from the workforce, who could have better contributed to the upliftment not only of their family
,
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apply
show examples
 but
also
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 for their society.
Besides
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, in certain developed countries, the
state
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 has to take care of medical insurance for these victims for the rest of their
life
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lives
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.
Conversely
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, if the number of accidents is less,
then
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 the
government
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 spends less money on medical insurance for victims and these funds can be better channelled for other pressing needs.
In addition
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 to
this
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, mobile phone usage has a similar effect as drunken
drive
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driving
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. Just like how drivers when they are in an inebriated
state
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, do not have spatial awareness, similar to that, drivers who are on mobile
phones
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 tend to show poor
road
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 awareness as well.
This
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 is mainly
due to
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 the fact that the driver's mind would be multitasking when on a phone call and
this
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 creates a dangerous situation for the pedestrians people walking or crossing on
road
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. In many countries, the governments have imposed severe penalties for drunken drivers, much like that stringent rules should be passed to prevent mobile
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phones
Change the noun form
phone
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 usage
while
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 driving as well. So to summarize, I fully support the
government
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's stance on banning mobiles
while
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 driving, as it not only creates a safe environment for pedestrians people, but
also
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 helps motorists to be responsible citizens.
Submitted by nusramkumar on

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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the question and presents clear arguments in favor of the government's ban on mobile phone usage while driving. To enhance clarity, work on refining your sentence structure to avoid occasional awkward phrasing.
task achievement
Consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures to improve readability and engagement. Experimenting with complex sentences and varying your sentence beginnings can make your argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
While your paragraphing is generally good, ensuring that each paragraph contains a single main idea with clear supporting details can further enhance coherence. Consider using topic sentences more explicitly to signpost your arguments.
coherence cohesion
You have successfully introduced and concluded your essay, which provides a strong framework for your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported with logical reasoning, which strengthens your argument significantly.
task achievement
The examples and reasoning provided are relevant and add substantial weight to your arguments on the importance and effects of the ban on mobile usage while driving.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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