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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to only be meant for adults. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered?

#children #diseases #adults #obesity #disease
Youngsters from
this
 generation are sick with different illnesses that only were a problem for grown-ups. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will discuss the main causes and possible solutions to
this
 problem. Nowadays, children prefer to spend
free
Correct pronoun usage
their free
show examples
time
 in front of digital screens,
whereas
 in the old days playing outside,
while
 doing some physical activity.
For
this
 reason, calories are not being burnt,
thereafter
Correct word choice
and thereafter
show examples
 fat builds up, which is the cause of obesity and many more health problems.
Furthermore
, the food industry is making
profit
Add an article
a profit
show examples
 by creating extremely unhealthy “body fuel”, which can even be poisonous
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 our bodies. Not only it is packed with sugar, but it is full of toxic dyes,
such
 as Red-40, or sweeteners, that might be the cause of cancer, which is not known for sure
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because not enough experiments have been made.
Firstly
, the problem could be solved by limiting kids’ screen
time
, which can be done with the help of various apps, that aid parents
to track
Change preposition
in tracking
show examples
 how much
time
 is being spent near technological devices. In consequence, children would start choosing
going
Change the verb form
to go
show examples
 to the playgrounds with their friends.
In addition
, children should be offered healthy food in the school
as well as
 in their houses. It is important to understand that homemade dishes are more nutritious than the pre-made ones in shops, as they are full of
fiber
Change the spelling
fibre
show examples
, proteins, vitamins and healthy fats.
To sum up
, varied reasons have given rise to obesity in modern kids,
thus
 I firmly believe steps
such
 as restricting screen
time
 and providing youngsters with nourishing foods must be taken to tackle the worrisome situation.
Submitted by oimigle on

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task achievement
Enhance clarity by ensuring stronger topic sentences that directly support the main idea.
task achievement
Consider adding more specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on smoother transitions between sections for a more seamless read.
coherence cohesion
Revise for minor grammatical errors, though they don't significantly impact the overall quality.
coherence cohesion
Effective introduction and conclusion, framing the essay's argument well.
coherence cohesion
Good use of cohesive devices, linking ideas within and across paragraphs.
task achievement
Demonstrates a strong understanding of the task with a clear position throughout the essay.
task achievement
Incorporation of both causes and solutions adds depth to the response.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Obesity
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Prevalent
  • Genetic predisposition
  • Comfort eating
  • Screen time
  • Physical education
  • Nutritional education
  • Economic disparities
  • Food deserts
  • Subsidize
  • Advertising
  • Weight management
  • Junk food
  • Healthy food options
  • Physical activity
  • Body image
  • Counseling
  • Consumer education
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