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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to only be meant for adults. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered?

#children #diseases #adults #obesity #disease
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Youngsters from
this
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 generation are sick with different illnesses that only were a problem for grown-ups. In
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will discuss the main causes and possible solutions to
this
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 problem. Nowadays, children prefer to spend
free
Correct pronoun usage
their free
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time
Use synonyms
 in front of digital screens,
whereas
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 in the old days playing outside,
while
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 doing some physical activity.
For
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this
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 reason, calories are not being burnt,
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thereafter
Correct word choice
and thereafter
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 fat builds up, which is the cause of obesity and many more health problems.
Furthermore
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, the food industry is making
profit
Add an article
a profit
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 by creating extremely unhealthy “body fuel”, which can even be poisonous
for
Change preposition
to
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 our bodies. Not only it is packed with sugar, but it is full of toxic dyes,
such
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 as Red-40, or sweeteners, that might be the cause of cancer, which is not known for sure
,
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apply
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 because not enough experiments have been made.
Firstly
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, the problem could be solved by limiting kids’ screen
time
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, which can be done with the help of various apps, that aid parents
to track
Change preposition
in tracking
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 how much
time
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 is being spent near technological devices. In consequence, children would start choosing
going
Change the verb form
to go
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 to the playgrounds with their friends.
In addition
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, children should be offered healthy food in the school
as well as
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 in their houses. It is important to understand that homemade dishes are more nutritious than the pre-made ones in shops, as they are full of
fiber
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fibre
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, proteins, vitamins and healthy fats.
To sum up
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, varied reasons have given rise to obesity in modern kids,
thus
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 I firmly believe steps
such
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 as restricting screen
time
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 and providing youngsters with nourishing foods must be taken to tackle the worrisome situation.
Submitted by oimigle on

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task achievement
Enhance clarity by ensuring stronger topic sentences that directly support the main idea.
task achievement
Consider adding more specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on smoother transitions between sections for a more seamless read.
coherence cohesion
Revise for minor grammatical errors, though they don't significantly impact the overall quality.
coherence cohesion
Effective introduction and conclusion, framing the essay's argument well.
coherence cohesion
Good use of cohesive devices, linking ideas within and across paragraphs.
task achievement
Demonstrates a strong understanding of the task with a clear position throughout the essay.
task achievement
Incorporation of both causes and solutions adds depth to the response.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Obesity
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Prevalent
  • Genetic predisposition
  • Comfort eating
  • Screen time
  • Physical education
  • Nutritional education
  • Economic disparities
  • Food deserts
  • Subsidize
  • Advertising
  • Weight management
  • Junk food
  • Healthy food options
  • Physical activity
  • Body image
  • Counseling
  • Consumer education
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