IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people say that what children watch on television influences their behavior, while others say the amount of time children spend watching television influences their behavior. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #children #television #influences #behavior #amount #time
Nowadays,
TV
 is an important part of
children
 and they spend a great deal of
time
 watching its
programs
. Some people claim that the
content
 of
TV
programs
 influences
children
's behaviour the most.
Nevertheless
, another group of people oppose them and imply that the duration of watching
TV
 is more determinative. In
this
 essay, I will examine both perspectives and at
last
, I will express my opinion. In past,
children
 used to play a lot of games together.
However
, with the advent of
TV
, they spend a lot of
time
 watching several
programs
 on
TV
. People who think the duration is more important believe that devoting a lot of
time
 to
TV
programs
 hinders their activities and makes
children
 more introverted. In the long run, it can cause numerous mental and physical disorders.
For example
, scientific research has proved that obesity in
children
 is one of the consequences of sitting for long hours in front of a
TV
 even the lack of enough interaction with others can bring about depression.
However
, despite the opinion of the above group, the other group recognizes the
content
 of
TV
programs
 as the main influential motivator of
children
's deeds. They easily are influenced by characters or heroes watching
TV
 and they will try to imitate their actions. These role models can wreak havoc in their lives.
Furthermore
, the values induced by
TV
 may affect other training and education that are taught by their parents and educators.
For instance
, if a child find one as their idol, they believe what that idol says or does.
To conclude
 the aforementioned material,
Although
 both the amount of
time
 and the
content
 of
TV
programs
 are mediating how
children
 behave, I must admit that the
content
 of
TV
programs
 can outweigh the duration and parents should meticulously investigate what their kids watch on
TV
.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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supporting arguments
Try to provide specific examples to back up your arguments. While your essay mentions scientific research regarding the impact of TV watching on obesity, incorporating a specific study or statistic could enhance the argument.
sentence structure
Consider varying your sentence structures to add complexity and fluency to your writing. While your essay is well-structured, the use of more complex sentences could enhance readability and interest.
grammar
Be mindful of slight grammatical inaccuracies and ensure that the subject-verb agreement is consistent throughout the essay.
tone
Ensure to maintain a formal tone throughout your essay. Avoid colloquial expressions or overly general statements that might undermine the formality of the academic writing.
task response
You have effectively discussed both views in a balanced manner, demonstrating an understanding of the task requirements.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well-organized, with clear paragraphs for each view and a logical flow of ideas.
conclusion
The conclusion succinctly summarizes the essay's main points and provides a reasoned opinion, which is commendable.

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