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Writing Samples
Band 8

Many things can influence the academic achievement and emotional growth of a student. In this regard, peers have more of an impact than teachers do. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this topic?

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Some people believe a student’s academic performance and emotional development are affected by teachers.
However
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, I firmly believe that
peers
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 are more influential because students are motivated by competing with their
friends
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 and grow up by building relationships with them.
To begin
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 with, students are motivated and stimulated by competing with their classmates. They study and get tests together in a classroom and a school every time, which means they can identify each grade after their exams.
Moreover
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, if students have their rivals, they are more conscious of competition and try to do well than others.
That is
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,
friends
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 could make each other study harder.
For example
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, back in my high school, students’ grades were opened on the chalkboard after exams finished. It had me check my rank and compare it with my rivals and I got motivated by them, trying to do better on the next exam. On top of that,
peers
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 become mature, building up relationships with their
friends
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. As I mentioned, since they should spend a very long time a day with their
friends
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, they could experience fighting, have some conflicts, and solve problems. Through
this
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 process, learning various emotions, situations, and solutions helps them develop emotionally.
For instance
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, when I was young, I was a really shy and introverted person, but a series of events with my
friends
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 at my school and academy let me change my personality. Even though there were many trials and errors, I kept thinking about how to handle conflicts and how to communicate, undergoing several changes, and growing up.
To sum up
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,
peers
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 would be academic motivators and emotional helpers. For these reasons,
it is clear that
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 a student’s academic effort and emotional growth are more related to
peers
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 than teachers.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance clarity and coherence, consider using a wider variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Work on expanding your argument with a more diverse range of sentence structures to improve the flow of ideas.
task achievement
To further strengthen your essay, integrate a paragraph acknowledging the opposite viewpoint and explain why you still stand by your argument.
task achievement
Consider a more detailed conclusion that not only restates your stance but also summarizes your key points succinctly.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the topic with a clear stance and well-developed arguments.
task achievement
Use of relevant examples from personal experience enhances the persuasiveness of your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay is structured logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
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