IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many children these days are overweight. What are the causes and solutions to overcome this problem?

#children
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A lot of
children
Use synonyms
 nowadays are overweight.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 and not enough
exercise
Use synonyms
. There are a number of solutions which should be implemented to deal with
this
Linking Words
 issue.
Firstly
Linking Words
, many
children
Use synonyms
 are overweight because they do not eat healthy
food
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 these days prefer eating fast
food
Use synonyms
 and junk
food
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.
For example
Linking Words
, many
children
Use synonyms
 in America are overweight because they eat fast
food
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as KFC and Pizza Hut.
As a result
Linking Words
, they become fat because
this
Linking Words
food
Use synonyms
 is not healthy.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 these days do not like to do
exercise
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is because they like to spend time at home, and they like to play computer games, so they cannot lose weight.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they like to sleep when they are free. There are two effective solutions to overcome
this
Linking Words
 problem. One way to solve
this
Linking Words
 issue is that
parents
Use synonyms
 should stop their
children
Use synonyms
 from eating fast
food
Use synonyms
.
That is
Linking Words
 to say, they should cook healthy
food
Use synonyms
 for them and they
also
Linking Words
 should tell them to eat more fruits and vegetables.
For instance
Linking Words
, many
children
Use synonyms
 in Korea are healthy because their
parents
Use synonyms
 control their
children
Use synonyms
’s diet.
Therefore
Linking Words
, these
children
Use synonyms
 will stay healthy. Another solution is that
parents
Use synonyms
 should tell their
children
Use synonyms
 to do more
exercise
Use synonyms
. When their
children
Use synonyms
 do
exercise
Use synonyms
, they can have a great body.
To sum up
Linking Words
, eating healthy
food
Use synonyms
 and doing
exercise
Use synonyms
 is effective in dealing with
this
Linking Words
 issue. If
parents
Use synonyms
 implemented these solutions, the rate of
this
Linking Words
 problem would drop.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in guiding the reader. However, you can improve the logical structure by ensuring each paragraph smoothly transitions to the next. Try using more linking words and phrases for better flow.
task achievement
To achieve a higher score in Task Response, aim to expand your ideas and provide more detailed explanations or additional reasons. Ensure you cover all aspects of the question comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the response.
task achievement
The main points are relevant to the question and well-supported with examples.
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