IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say advertising has positive economic effects. Others think it has negative social effects because it will make people dissatisfied with who they are and what they have. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #effects
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Some individuals believe that advertising has advantageous economic outcomes.
However
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,others say that it has social drawbacks because customers will not pleased with their own
products
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. I would agree that Ballyhoo's benefits outweighed its adverse impacts. I will elucidate my reasoning toward matter in the following.
Firstly
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, In the modern globalised world, everything has its value based on mass admiration;
Therefore
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, it is essential to take into account others' opinions regarding
products
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and illustrate
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 in a proper way so that customers are satisfied. To achieve
this
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 aim, advertising has profound consequences in an economic way.
For example
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, advanced advertising could have astonishing results for a company,
such
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 as increasing drastically in his monthly salaries or getting the immersing attention of the masses.
Hence
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, it is a crucial phenomenon to use advertising for businesses' economic interests.
Besides
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 that matter, Some people consider it deleterious
due to
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 the fact that advertising may have devastating outcomes for a person's self-pleasure that they receive from their own product because they get a tendency to compare their
products
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 with other ones in advertising .
For instance
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, When I was a child my attention was distracted by new toys which I did not have ,so it was a small trauma remaining from my childhood. In conclusion,
Although
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 advertising has some insignificant social effects,
such
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 as dissatisfaction with what they have or comparing their
products
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 with the advertising ones,
However
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, there are many economic favours, which outweigh the negative ones. The advertising gives a chance to company to introduce their
products
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 globally. Ultimately, a company can escalate its reputation through advertising.
Submitted by Yasar Khan on

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task achievement
To enhance the task achievement score, ensure your examples are highly relevant and specific, relating directly to the main points you are making. This will make your argument more convincing and well-supported.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving logical connections between sentences and paragraphs. Using a variety of cohesive devices effectively will help your essay flow better and make your argument more coherent.
task achievement
You have presented both sides of the argument clearly and provided a balanced view on the benefits and drawbacks of advertising.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps the reader understand the main argument and the result of your discussion.
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