IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some societies, obesity is regarded as a major problem. Some people believe that junk food advertising is largely to blame for this problem and should be banned. However, others feel that junk food advertising does not contribute to the problem of obesity and should not be banned. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. You should use your own ideas, knowledge, and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Whilst many think that
advertisements
Use synonyms
 of various types of junk foods must not be banned as these
adverts
Use synonyms
 do not make
people
Use synonyms
 obese,
while
Linking Words
 I believe that as
obesity
Use synonyms
 is one of the most common health issues which
people
Use synonyms
 around the world are suffering from, so there is a need to stop the
advertisements
Use synonyms
 related to snack
food
Use synonyms
 because these
adverts
Use synonyms
 play a major role in promoting
this
Linking Words
 type of
food
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
people
Use synonyms
 who think that these
adverts
Use synonyms
 do not have any role in the problem of
obesity
Use synonyms
 claim that, there are so many other reasons which are responsible for
obesity
Use synonyms
. First of all, lack of physical activity and exercise,
for example
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 technological advancements, individuals mostly have to work with computers, so a sedentary lifestyle makes
people
Use synonyms
 obese as they do not participate in any indoor or outdoor activity.
Besides
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, genetic factors can
also
Linking Words
 contribute to
obesity
Use synonyms
, we have seen that some
people
Use synonyms
 do not eat fast
food
Use synonyms
, but
due to
Linking Words
 heridity factor, they have excess fat in their body tissues.
However
Linking Words
, I support the argument that many large multinational organisations promote their packed
food
Use synonyms
 via
advertisements
Use synonyms
 in order to lure
people
Use synonyms
, and children are the most vulnerable targets.
Moreover
Linking Words
, with the
adverts
Use synonyms
 they reveal their newer
food
Use synonyms
 products,
also
Linking Words
 these
advertisements
Use synonyms
 entice
people
Use synonyms
 to try these processed foods.
In addition
Linking Words
, if we talk about various restaurant chains,
for example
Linking Words
, Mcdonald's, KFC, Domino, and Red Rooster, they always have promotional deals on their menus like meal deals or free cans of soft drinks with any
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
, and they promote these deals via
advertisements
Use synonyms
 to attract
people
Use synonyms
, and
thus
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 buy these foods which are full of calories. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 there are other reasons for
obesity
Use synonyms
 as well like genes and lack of physical activity, still I am convinced by the argument that promotional activities through
advertisements
Use synonyms
 of junk
food
Use synonyms
 attract
people
Use synonyms
 to buy them, which leads to overeating of calories, and
thus
Linking Words
 leads to detrimental health problem,
obesity
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task, presenting a balanced discussion and providing your own opinion. However, a bit more depth in the counterarguments would strengthen it even further.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear and well-expressed, but there are a few areas where the wording could be smoother or more precise. For example, 'due to heridity factor' should be 'due to hereditary factors'.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Nonetheless, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that ideas flow logically from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
Use more varied transitions to enhance coherence. For instance, instead of starting consecutive sentences with 'However' and 'Moreover', try alternatives like 'Nevertheless' or 'Furthermore'.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument and provides a clear opinion, which is crucial for this task.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your points, such as mentioning specific fast-food chains and their marketing strategies.
coherence cohesion
The essay is easy to follow, with a logical progression of ideas and clear paragraph divisions.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • junk food
  • advertising
  • banning
  • influence
  • dietary habits
  • calories
  • nutrients
  • exposure
  • impressionable
  • lifestyle choices
  • physical activity
  • nutrition education
  • balanced diet
  • freedom of choice
  • market economy
  • informed decisions
  • manipulated
  • advertisements
  • combat obesity
What to do next:
Look at other essays: