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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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These days, academic institutions provide a range of programs to the new generations. Those include from physical education to cookery.
Nevertheless
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, most students claim to have a lot of pressure.
As a result
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, some people think those alternative courses must be
canceled
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cancelled
show examples
. In
this
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 essay, I will describe why I disagree by giving examples to validate my argument. First and foremost, traditional education inhibits the students from enhancing their skills and soft and strong abilities.
For instance
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, old syllabi are focused on four important fields: Math, Science, Social Studies, and Linguistics. There were no important
subjects
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 of daily life
such
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 as Finance, Arts, Emotional Intelligence, and Dance. The previous
subjects
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 are crucial to stand against stress and adult issues.
Furthermore
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, non-academic
subjects
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instead
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 of leveling the anxiety up, decrease significantly to the point of being the favorite among children. As a sample, 80% of students surveyed answered that they would rather remove Political Science than Yoga.
Hence
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, the learners enjoy these moments to lower the pressure on the other areas of knowledge.
Although
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 the assessment system could be a bigger problem,
this
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 is
due to
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 the quantitative way to do it.
To sum up
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, academic work is not related to what kind of field of knowledge is taught, the important fact is how you appraise the knowledge to get a qualified student without instilling stress or anxiety emotions. In conclusion, I am opposed to banning extracurricular
subjects
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 and I motivate schools to change old syllabi and schemes by fostering creative courses.

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task achievement
Your essay has a clear position and you support your arguments with relevant examples, which is excellent. However, the introduction could be more direct in stating your disagreement to focus the reader's attention from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that can be improved. For instance, the phrase 'traditional education inhibits the students from enhancing their skills and soft and strong abilities' is somewhat unclear. You might want to phrase it as 'traditional education often prevents students from developing both their soft and hard skills.'
task achievement
Your essay does a great job of addressing the prompt and providing reasons for your disagreement with the statement. This shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic and a strong task response.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-crafted, providing a clear starting point and summary of your argument. Your conclusion effectively encapsulates your standpoint, making your argument more compelling.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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