Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is a controversial perspective heating up a debate over the way to prohibit illness and disease by cutting down natural degradation and housing issues. In my opinion, I would contend that I consider myself an advocate of
this
notion.
Without a shadow of a doubt, environmental contamination plays
Verb problem
has
such
an imperative impact on people’s health problems. This
could be because of the influence of humans’
acts Change noun form
humans
such
as releasing carbon dioxide in industrial factories, cutting down blocks of trees or expelling wasted water. Particularly, when people interact with those pollutants, they will have a tendency to suffer from serious illnesses. For example
, the respiratory system is one of the most crucial parts of a human’s body which is also
dramatically affected by emissions leading to several sicknesses like lung cancer. By doing so, the quality of humans’
health is extremely decreased, which takes a high death toll in lots of nations. Fix the agreement mistake
human’
Hence
, the governments should bear a radical responsibility of preventing illness by dwindling natural contamination by being kind with
people’s nature with eco-lifestyle.
Change preposition
to
While
the impact of environmental degradation on humans’ health is widely acknowledged, housing problems are also
other factors affecting this
dire problem. For example
, Ho Chi Minh city
, one of the biggest metropolises in Vietnam, Capitalize word
City
besides
having blocks of top-notch buildings, there are also
slum areas where they need to cope with sewage and heating systems without ventilation. Those destinations easily suffer from a huge pandemic, especially COVID-19 because they are practically miniscule
where Correct your spelling
minuscule
this
dangerous virus may rapidly spread inside this
closed Correct determiner usage
these
surrounding
, so the outbreak is inevitable. Fix the agreement mistake
surroundings
Therefore
, authorities must utilize their power in order to expand the land for the poor which may prevent the loss of lives.
In conclusion, illness and disease are the main reasons affecting individuals’ lives, and governors have to use their political power to stop this
matters as soon as possible.Correct determiner usage
these
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task achievement
The essay provides a clear response to the prompt and includes relevant examples. It addresses the key issues of environmental pollution and housing problems effectively. However, the clarity of ideas can be improved in certain parts. For instance, the second paragraph can be more concise by avoiding repetitive phrases.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are some areas where the transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the transition between the discussion on environmental pollution and housing problems could be more fluid.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction effectively sets the context and states the writer's opinion clearly. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points and reiterates the stance.
supported main points
The essay uses relevant and specific examples to support the main points, such as the impact of emissions on respiratory health and the housing issues in Ho Chi Minh City.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
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