Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is a controversial perspective heating up a debate over the fact that it is crucial for governors to concentrate more on declining environmental contamination and housing problems to prevent illness and
disease
. To some extent, I comparatively have a consensus with this
idea.
Without a shadow of a doubt, governments play a vital role
in reducing environmental deterioration and preventing sickness. This
is due to
the increased quantity of carbon footprint discharged into the environment by several factories nowadays. To be more precise, this
can result in respiratory-related health concerns, such
as lung cancer To remedy this
issue, the state should take immediate action by pushing manufacturers to use environmentally friendly materials in their manufacturing processes. As a result
, the governor's role
is critical for minimizing pollution in the environment and preventing disease
.
While
the role
of the State in the decline of environmental degradation to avoid illness is widely acknowledged, it is also
important to note that their role
in housing problems is also
significant to prevent
Change preposition
in preventing
disease
. This
is due to
the fact that some accommodations in the city is
inadequate Change the verb form
are
of
sewage and ventilation systems. To be more precise, in some slum areas in Ho Chi Minh City, during the Change preposition
for
Covid-19
pandemic, numerous people lost their lives because Correct your spelling
COVID-19
the
rapid of spreading Change preposition
of the
virus
and the close environment surrounding it led to inappropriate hygienic conditions in those areas. Add an article
the virus
Thus
, it is also
vital for the government to reduce housing problems to avoid disease
.
In conclusion, the state plays an essential role
in reducing environmental pollution and housing circumstances in order to avoid illness and disease
in people's daily lives.Submitted by hominhtrang995 on
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task achievement
Your essay does a good job of addressing the prompt and provides a clear stance. However, be cautious of minor grammatical errors and unclear phrasings, such as "comparatively have a consensus" which can confuse the reader. Aim to use simpler and clearer phrases to express your agreement or disagreement.
coherence cohesion
While your structure is logical and easy to follow, providing a stronger transition between paragraphs can enhance the flow. The use of phrases like "Without a shadow of a doubt" and "While the role of the State..." is good, but consider adding more varied transition phrases to improve cohesion.
task achievement
Ensure to back up main points with more specific examples and elaborate on how the government can effectively address these issues. The example of the Covid-19 pandemic in Ho Chi Minh City is strong but could be expanded further to illustrate your point more clearly.
task achievement
Your task response was strong as you addressed both environmental pollution and housing problems and explained how they contribute to illness and disease, aligning well with the prompt.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with a well-defined introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This makes it easy for the reader to follow your arguments.
task achievement
The specific example of Ho Chi Minh City during the Covid-19 pandemic is effective in supporting your argument about housing problems.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example