IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In some societies, obesity is regarded as a major problem. Some people believe that junk food advertising is largely to blame for this problem and should be banned. However, others feel that junk food advertising does not contribute to the problem of obesity and should not be banned. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. You should use your own ideas, knowledge, and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Obesity has been an indisputable issue in societies in recent decades. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that junk
food
Use synonyms
 advertising is a major factor for
this
Linking Words
 problem and should be banned
while
Linking Words
 others think that banning fast
food
Use synonyms
advertisements
Use synonyms
 can not be the key factor to deter
people
Use synonyms
 from being obese. In forthcoming paragraphs, both views are discussed correctly and I will give my perspectives about it.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there is an indisputable fact that, massive
advertisements
Use synonyms
 can make
people
Use synonyms
 eager to buy readymade
food
Use synonyms
 considerably.
In addition
Linking Words
, sales and bonuses (one is free for every three burgers which are bought) affect
people
Use synonyms
’s eating habits deeply and ironically they become the victims of fast
food
Use synonyms
 chains.
Moreover
Linking Words
, fast
food
Use synonyms
 is completely convenient , quick and reasonably cheap which can be affordable for all consumers.
And
Correct word choice
Advertisements
show examples
advertisements
Use synonyms
 try to impress these qualities for making readymade
food
Use synonyms
 be well-known in popular broadcasts and media
such
Linking Words
 as TV, Radio channels and newspapers.
This
Linking Words
 can be the reason for individuals think that
advertisements
Use synonyms
 on fast
food
Use synonyms
 should be forbidden.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it can be completely incorrect if ads are considered as the only main factor to cause
people
Use synonyms
’s obesity. Not doing exercises regularly, and inappropriate eating habits are basic causes of being fat. Thereby individuals are incapable of losing extra calories which are gained from readymade snacks
due to
Linking Words
 not working out. Sometimes it is commonly seen that some individuals have a good shape and a proper choice for their healthy diet in spite of the fact that their surrounding is covered with
such
Linking Words
advertisements
Use synonyms
 in fast
food
Use synonyms
 restaurants.
Hence
Linking Words
, educational centres and governments should focus on improving
people
Use synonyms
’s awareness of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
Linking Words
, prohibiting fast
food
Use synonyms
 advertising can not be the only solution to solve
this
Linking Words
 issue as some
people
Use synonyms
 believe.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, the government and schools can set up some measures that can provide information about unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
, encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to go to the gym and create an opportunity to know the detrimental effects of fast
food
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea. While the essay is well-organized, some ideas can be more distinctively separated for better clarity.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, mention particular studies or data that support the points being made about advertising and obesity.
task achievement
Avoid minor grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasings. For instance, review sentences for proper preposition and article usage; this will make your writing smoother and more professional.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear and balanced discussion of both viewpoints, which is crucial for a higher score.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are appropriately crafted, providing a clear start and end to the discussion.
task achievement
The examples provided are generally relevant, which helps in presenting a cohesive argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • junk food
  • advertising
  • banning
  • influence
  • dietary habits
  • calories
  • nutrients
  • exposure
  • impressionable
  • lifestyle choices
  • physical activity
  • nutrition education
  • balanced diet
  • freedom of choice
  • market economy
  • informed decisions
  • manipulated
  • advertisements
  • combat obesity
What to do next:
Look at other essays: