IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe it is better to raise children in the city, while others consider the countryside to be more suitable choice. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some people would argue that raising
children
Use synonyms
 in the urban would be beneficial,
while
Linking Words
 others say that the rural area would be a better option.
Although
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, living in the
countryside
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 would be suitable for
children
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's
health
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 conditions because of less contamination,
children
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, by living in the
cities
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 would have access to better facilities. On the one hand, pollution in the
cities
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 is a concerning issue for
children
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's well-being.
In other words
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, unlike the
countryside
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,
cities
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 are full of cars and other contaminating vehicles that contribute to air pollution. These pollutants like carbon dioxide are so treacherous and can affect their
health
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,
Therefore
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,
children
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 are opposed to many pollution-related diseases
such
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 as asthma.
For example
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, in Tehran, annually, the schools call some days off, because of dangerous levels of pollutants in the air. I agree with
this
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 statement that the
countryside
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 is a better place to raise
children
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 regarding clean weather and
health
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.
On the other hand
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, living in the
cities
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 make
children
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 perform more efficiently, because of providing better facilities. By living in the
cities
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, most parents have the opportunity to send their
children
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 to professional schools.
Such
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 schools have great and experienced teachers and
also
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 so many new and up-to-date tools like computers and projectors that help
children
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 to learn lessons effectively, quite the opposite of the
countryside
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.
For instance
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, In Tehran the capital of Iran, there is an all-automated school, in which
children
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 enjoy learning new stuff. In conclusion,
while
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 the
countryside
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 provides a safer place for offspring's
health
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 situation, the advantages of living in the
cities
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 outweigh the rural
areas'
Correct your spelling
areas
show examples
, because they provide better environments for
children
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.

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What works well

4
task achievement

The essay effectively discusses both sides of the argument, providing balanced viewpoints.

task achievement

The main points are clearly supported with relevant examples, which adds to the strength of the argument.

coherence cohesion

The logical structure of the essay is clear, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point.

coherence cohesion

An appropriate introduction and conclusion are present, giving the essay a strong framework.

Improvement Suggestions

4
task achievement

Try to provide more specific and detailed examples to support your points. For example, mention specific facilities or activities available in cities that benefit children's education and recreation.

task achievement

Ensure that all points mentioned in the introduction are elaborated upon equally in the main body paragraphs. This helps in maintaining a balanced discussion of both views.

coherence cohesion

Work on linking sentences and paragraphs more smoothly to improve the flow of ideas. Using additional transitional phrases will help achieve this.

coherence cohesion

Be consistent with your vocabulary. Ensure that terms like 'urban' and 'cities' are used interchangeably where appropriate, and similarly for 'rural' and 'countryside.'

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • urban environment
  • rural area
  • extracurricular activities
  • well-rounded development
  • advanced medical facilities
  • peaceful
  • less pollution
  • access to nature
  • community feel
  • foster a sense of belonging
  • natural surroundings
  • outdoor activities
  • healthy lifestyle
  • cultural richness
  • wholesome upbringing
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