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Band 5

Scientists argue that many people eat too much junk food, and it is damaging their health. Some people think that this problem can be solved by educating people, while others believe that education will not work. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#scientists #people #junk #food #health #education #work
It is believed that eating unhealthy
food
 over a long period can harm the
health
. To solve
this
 issue,
people
 propose
education
 as a method, meanwhile, others
assuming
Wrong verb form
assume
show examples
 that it will not be effective. Personally, I completely agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the first statement and
this
 essay discusses both aspects. It is apparent that consuming
junk
food
 too much may cause an assortment of illnesses
such
 as obesity,
heart
Correct word choice
and heart
show examples
 diseases.
To begin
 with,
education
, particularly physical
health
, plays a crucial role in enhancing the knowledge of individuals.
They
Add a verb
They are
They were
show examples
 aware of their diet
as well as
 the problematic effects on their
health
, potentially leading to
decreasing
Replace the word
a decrease in
show examples
 the number of
people
 consuming fast
food
,
Furthermore
, they can create a healthy diet to keep fit and maintain their
health
.
As a result
, the percentage of deaths related to illness decreases significantly.
On the other hand
, those opining on the statement think that with the advent of
education
,
people
 still consuming
junk
food
. The first and foremost factor is that
junk
food
 is highly recommended by others as its flavour is addictive. Take KFC restaurant as a prime example, Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 tend to choose it as a meal in daily life
due to
 its population and flavour, resulting in ignoring the risk of
junk
food
.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 fast
food
 is convenient as they are cooked
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a quick time to serve.
Consequently
, the proportion of
people
 eating
junk
food
increase
Fix the agreement mistake
increases
show examples
as well as
people
 suffering from illnesses
such
 as obesity,
heart
Correct word choice
and heart
show examples
 attack. In conclusion, I completely agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the first statement as
education
 should be utilized as a method to encourage
people
 to be awarded of the
consequence
Fix the agreement mistake
consequences
show examples
 of
junk
food
.
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task achievement
To further improve your task response, try to provide more specific examples and details to support your points. For instance, you could mention specific campaigns or educational programs that have successfully reduced junk food consumption.
coherence cohesion
You can enhance coherence by ensuring smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs. While your essay is generally well-structured, making the logical progression between ideas even clearer would help.
coherence cohesion
Your essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps the reader understand your main points and overall argument.
coherence cohesion
You have a logical structure in your essay, with distinct paragraphs discussing different perspectives and your own opinion. This makes it easy to follow your argument.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensible, and you have addressed both perspectives on the issue effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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