IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is said that travel broadens the mind. What can we learn by travelling to other countries? Should we first explore our own countries? What do you think?

#travel #mind #countries #first
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It is said by some people that we should learn new things by
traveling
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travelling
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 to other countries,
while
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 others believe they need to explore their own
country
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first
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. In
this
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 essay, both viewpoints will be discussed before I present my opinion. On the
one
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 hand, it is undeniable that
traveling
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travelling
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 abroad provides us with extensive knowledge about new cultures, traditions, and customs.
For instance
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, when a British family visits Japan, they can learn about the local tradition of arranging furniture neatly to create a calm and focused living environment.
This
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 practice, known as 'tidying up,' is not just about cleanliness but
also
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 about enhancing mental well-being. Upon returning home, they can adapt and apply
this
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 experience to their own houses, leading to a more organized and peaceful living space.
Moreover
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,
traveling
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travelling
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 abroad can expose individuals to different languages, cuisines, and ways of life, broadening their horizons and fostering a greater understanding of the world.
On the other hand
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, there are many places in our home
country
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 that remain unexplored,
such
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 as coastal areas, islands, and mountains. These sites offer unique cultural experiences that are often overlooked.
For example
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, Thai residents from Bangkok, when visiting Doi Pui in Northern Thailand, can learn about the local Hmong culture and traditions that differ significantly from their own. Exploring
one
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's own
country
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first
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 can foster a deeper appreciation and understanding of
one
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's national heritage and history.
Additionally
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, domestic tourism supports the local economy, creating jobs and boosting revenue for local businesses.
Overall
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,
traveling
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travelling
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 both within and outside
one
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's homeland is beneficial to
travelers
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travellers
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. From my perspective, it is better to explore our own
country
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first
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 to gain a deep understanding of our history, traditions, and customs.
Moreover
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, visiting local areas supports the local economy and helps improve the lives of residents. By understanding and appreciating our own culture
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first
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, we can
then
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 approach other cultures with a more informed and respectful mindset.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task achievement
Your essay provides clear and comprehensive ideas that directly address the prompt. To make your argument even stronger, consider expanding on the reasons why exploring one's own country first can enhance international travel experiences later.
coherence cohesion
You have done a fantastic job with coherence and cohesion. Your points are well-organized, and each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. However, you could improve even further by including some contrasting points between the benefits of domestic travel and international travel in the body of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both effectively written, framing the essay very well.
task achievement
The examples provided are specific and relevant, which enriches the content and supports your arguments well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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