IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #music #cultures #ages
Many
people
 believe that
music
 is a positive form of entertainment to brings
people
 around the world with different backgrounds together. I strongly agree with
this
 statement and
this
 essay will provide some explanations.
Firstly
,
music
 is an art that can be enjoyed by
people
 in every nation with different cultures
although
 the language is different.
People
 can listen to the rhythms and still enjoy the
music
 without understanding the lyrics.
Moreover
, the other reason
people
 like
music
 is based on the singer as an individual or
alsoa
Correct your spelling
also a
 group that attracts
people
 with their appearance and performance.
For instance
, in recent years many
people
 from around the world hooked by K-Pop
such
 as Blackpink or BTS from South Korea and tickets for their world tour concerts sold out very quickly in every country.
Secondly
,
people
 of different ages can
also
 have the same taste of
music
 based on the melodies or the feeling when listening to
music
. To exemplify, there are so many albums containing old love songs that still exist from the older generations even the singer held a concert in
this
 current time and
people
 of all ages come to the concert.
Besides
, there is
also
music
 that can be enjoyed by parents and their children that connects them. It can make the bonding between the family stronger. In summary,
music
 has an important role in
people
’s lives and connects
people
 with different backgrounds. It can
also
 create a solidarity of
people
 during a concert and enjoy the
music
 together without being discriminated against by each other.
Submitted by hafizahnazir on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay could benefit from a stronger conclusion that summarizes the main points discussed. Additionally, while the examples provided are relevant, they could be elaborated further to provide a more comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
Improving the transitions between paragraphs and within the paragraphs will enhance the logical flow of the essay. At times, the essay feels slightly disjointed. Using linking words and phrases consistently would help improve cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is crucial for structuring the response effectively.
task achievement
Relevant examples, such as the reference to K-Pop bands like Blackpink and BTS, help to illustrate the points being made and ground the essay in contemporary context.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
What to do next:
Look at other essays: