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Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some countries are struggling with an increase in the rate of crime. Many people think that having more police on the streets is the only way to reduce crimes. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #rate #crime #people #police #streets #crimes
In the modern day, there are so many nations facing the problem of increasing
crime
 rates that some
people
 believe that deploying more law enforcers is the only option to deal with
this
 phenomenon.
This
 writer totally disagrees with
this
 because of the stricter criminal organizations and the rise of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cyber criminals
Correct your spelling
cybercriminals
show examples
.
To begin
 with, the denser appearance of
police
 on the road will not only make any alteration to the
crime
 situation but
also
 lead to more significant issues
such
 as stricter criminal organizations. It must be considered that the rise of
police
 forces will just be a contemporary warning to criminals and it does not really make
people
 give up committing crimes in
long
Correct article usage
the long
show examples
 term. Because of that, criminals will work together to form more organizational groups which makes it harder for
police
 to deal with. Take America as a contextual example,
although
 there are a great number of
police
 patrolling around the country,
this
 nation still witnessing a high rate of
crime
due to
a more professional
Correct the article-noun agreement
more professional crime activities
a more professional crime activity
show examples
crime
 activities.
Furthermore
, with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technological development and more
police
,
people
 will change to committing cyber crimes. To be more specific, committing
crime
 on the internet is much faster and easier so
people
 tend to do it online rather than do it physically. For that, employing more law enforcement will not have any effect on the current
crime
 status.
As a consequence
,
this
 new policy will be nonsense and useless. In conclusion, having more
police
 officers on the street will lead to stricter criminal organizations and a new trend of cyber crimes.
Hence
,
this
 essay has given clear points to prove that having more enforcers is not the only way to deal with the
crime
 rate.
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coherence cohesion
You should enhance the clarity of some of your arguments. For instance, while the discussion about stricter criminal organizations is effective, it would benefit from more specific examples or context to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices and transitional phrases to ensure a smoother flow between your paragraphs and ideas. This will make your essay more cohesive and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, clearly stating your position and summarizing the main points effectively.
task achievement
Your response covers the task requirements thoroughly, addressing the topic and giving a clear opinion on the issue.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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