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Band 6.5

Some people think that sports involving violence such as boxing and martial arts should be banned from TV as well as from international sports competition. what is your opinion?

#people #sports #violence #arts #tv #competition
It is thought by some
people
 that violent
sports
such
 as boxing and martial arts need to be banned from televisions
as well as
 from all international
sports
 competitions
while
 others believe it should be allowed to continue. In
this
 essay, both viewpoints will be outlined before reaching my opinion. On the one hand, it is undeniable that violent
sports
 provide our society with numerous downsides.
Firstly
,
people
 who watch them from TV programmes can absorb and get familiar with violent behaviours.
For instance
, children who always watch boxing matches try to do the same aggressive moves
such
 as kicks or punches
while
 they are playing with their friends in school.
As a result
, It is highly possible that they will cause injuries to their friends.
Secondly
, these types of
sports
 can lead to betting and gambling in communities because live broadcasting is easy to access. Making some of them lose their
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
show examples
 money within a single night.
On the other hand
, there are several advantages of these
sports
 to
people
 who are interested in them. In the first place, citizens from all around the world can learn and study the relationship between
sports
 and countries.
For example
, in Thailand, Muay Thai is considered to be a national martial art of defence and it was used to protect the country from neighbour invasions over a century ago, bringing victory to Thailand.
Furthermore
, they are one of the growth of economic factors.
People
 all around the world are willing to spend a lot of cash on travelling abroad to learn about martial arts in their motherland.
Therefore
, they can offer jobs to the locals in those areas,namely boxing teachers and gym owners.
Overall
, violent
sports
 have both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
positive and negative effects on society. From my point of view, I slightly disagree with
this
 idea
due to
 the fact that some of them have a good historical relationship
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their countries.
Besides
, it is better to preserve and pass them on to the next generations by TV broadcasting or allowing them to be in international
sports
 competitions.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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grammar
Some sentences have minor grammatical issues which slightly affect clarity. For instance, the phrase 'Making some of them lose their saving money within a single night.' should be 'causing some of them to lose their savings in a single night.'
conclusion
Try to extend the conclusion to reinforce your overall argument and capture the essence of both viewpoints discussed.
coherence
Ensure every argument is clearly linked to a central thesis. Some points feel slightly disjointed from the main argument.
balanced view
The essay provides a balanced view by discussing both the potential negative and positive impacts of violent sports.
examples
You've used relevant and specific examples to support your points, such as the reference to Muay Thai in Thailand.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are clear, helping to frame the overall argument effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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