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Band 4

Competitiveness is generally considered a good quality for people to have in society.Do you think it is a positive development or negative trend ? how ddoes competitiveness affect individuals?

#competitiveness #quality #people #society #development #trend #ddoes #individuals
Manny
Correct your spelling
Many
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 people believe that being competitive is something that everyone should have to be
labeled
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labelled
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 as good quality.
Although
 it might lead to a better result, it has its own negative impact.
This
 essay will elaborate more on
this
 issue. On the one hand, having a competitive mind could make us want to do better in order to gain better
result
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results
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.
For instance
, if someone
are
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is
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 doing something in a group
then
 each member
migh
Correct your spelling
might
 have their own purpose, having a competitive mind will make them want to be the best and produce the best work they
could
Wrong verb form
can
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 do.
On the other hand
,
competitive
Correct article usage
a competitive
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 environment might be tough for some people. They need to be as good as
other
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others
show examples
 and sometimes could affect their mental health.
For example
, a study in
korea
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Korea
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obtained
Verb problem
found
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 that suicide cases are increasing nowadays
especially
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, especially
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 in
final year
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final-year
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 senior high
student
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students
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.
This
caused
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is caused
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 by
student
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students
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 burdensome
of
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apply
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expectation
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expectations
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 that they need to be accepted
in
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into
show examples
prestigious
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a prestigious
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university
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universities
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. If they are not achieving it
then
 most likely they will kill themself. In conclusion,
i
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I
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 believe that competitiveness
bring
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brings
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 a lot of positive impacts but we should consider
Correct article usage
the negetive
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negetive
Correct your spelling
negative
impact
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impacts
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 that could happen and avoid
it
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them
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 as much as we can.
Submitted by pocutarifahzahrina on

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coherence cohesion
For better coherence, ensuring that ideas in each paragraph flow smoothly from one to another with appropriate linking words can enhance readability.
task achievement
Be careful with grammar and spelling. For instance, 'Manny people' should be 'Many people', 'are doing' should be 'is doing', and 'kill themself' should be 'kill themselves'.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which bounds the discussion effectively.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view by discussing both positive and negative impacts of competitiveness.
task achievement
The examples provided in the essay are relevant and specific, which enhances the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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