IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8

Many people say the gap between rich and poor people is wider, as rich people become richer and poor people grow poorer. What problems could this situation cause and what measure can be done to address those problems?

#people #gap #situation #measure #address
Currently, there is a rise in the distance between the wealthy and needy
people
. The root causes of
this
 are
due to
 the differences in not only opportunities but
also
lifestyles
, yet it can be tackled by the government who provide social welfare for the poor. To commence with, one of the reasons for
this
 is the diversity of chances in career.
In other words
, the rich
also
 have their available social relationships, property and knowledge which promote them to higher positions in their occupations. Meanwhile, disadvantaged individuals do not have any chance to overcome their poverty or become affluent.
For example
, 95% of impoverished white-collar workers in the UK could not move to the positions of managers because they did not have enough relationships in the firms.
In addition
, another principal cause is the distinction in
lifestyles
 between the rich and the poor. To be more specific, poor
people
 tend to pursue extravagant
lifestyles
 and waste their money on negative purposes
such
 as using drugs and gambling or betting.
In contrast
, prosperous
people
 just follow frugal lives
as well as
 invest their money in several projects or ventures that can make a profit for them.
As a consequence
, the poor easily go bankrupt ,
while
 the rich
also
 become wealthier.
For instance
, in 2021, The New York Times showed that the top 10 billionaires in the USA just paid 2$ for each breakfast,
whereas
 5 million citizens who lived in slums always spent 50$. A solution,
however
, can be found in the government's actions towards the poor. The most effective approach is for
people
 who are deprived can receive social amenities like accommodations, food and drinks from local authorities.
As a result
, these things will enhance the quality of their lives, leading to bridging the gap between the rich and the poor. Take Vietnam as an example here where 50 charity events happen every year to supply necessary facilities for deprived
people
 and they
also
 assisted more than 20000 citizens to relocate to adequate houses.
Therefore
, the increase in the gap between affluent and poor individuals stems from inequality of work opportunities
along with
 diverse
lifestyles
.
Nevertheless
, supplying vital things for the needy will improve
this
 problem.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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coherence cohesion
The essay could be enhanced by defining certain terms or phrases more clearly, such as 'extravagant lifestyles.' Additionally, some phrases should be made more concise and direct for clarity.
coherence cohesion
There are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrases that slightly hinder the readability. For instance, 'the rich also have their available social relationships' could be rephrased for better clarity. Consider revising such sentences to make the essay more fluent.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Although the essay is generally well-structured, the ideas should flow more naturally from one to another. Using more transitional phrases might help add depth to the connection between paragraphs.
task achievement
Further divide the causes of the rich-poor gap into more distinct categories, and delve deeper into each, if possible. This would enhance the thoroughness of the task response.
task achievement
There should be more emphasis on how specific government actions directly lead to a reduction in the gap between the rich and the poor. This would strengthen the argument that government intervention is a viable solution.
coherence cohesion
The essay features a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the discussion. This strengthens the overall coherence of the piece.
task achievement
The use of relevant and specific examples, such as statistics from the UK and USA, adds credibility and clarity to the arguments being made.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced view by addressing both the causes of the rich-poor gap and potential solutions. This comprehensive approach helps fulfill the task requirements effectively.
coherence cohesion
Main points are well-supported with examples and explanations, adding depth to the arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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