IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Despite health warning, a large number of people continue to smoke all over the world. why should we be concerned about this? what solution would you suggest? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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A huge amount of
people
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 are smoking excessively despite the fact that smoking causes health issues. It is a considerable issue because smoking is not only harmful to
smokers
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
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threatening
Wrong verb form
threatens
show examples
 anyone around the smoker. One solution that could be offered is for the
government
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 should take action to restrict the distribution of
tobacco
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. It is widely agreed that smoking is harmful for active and passive
smokers
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. Some dangerous materials
such
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 as nicotine and tar cause many health problems
such
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 as lung cancer, high blood pressure, and stroke, yet these
also
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 affect passive
smokers
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 who inhale the combustion. Many
people
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 in Indonesia report their family is diagnosed with lung cancer as a side effect of inhaling the steam of a family member who is a smoker.
Thus
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, it is undoubtedly that smoking is paramount to be considered. Considering the impacts of smoking excessively, action from the
government
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 is needed to prevent the increasing of
smokers
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. The
government
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 should restrict
people
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 from consuming
tobacco
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 and limit the distribution, and these actions are taken with the hope that
people
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 would reduce their smoking habit.
Therefore
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, smoking excessively would decrease.
For instance
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, the
government
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 in Mekkah prohibited
people
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 from consuming
tobacco
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 and restricted its sales,
as a result
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, Mekkah became one of the countries with the lowest number of
smokers
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 in the world.
To conclude
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, smoking is harmful for both passive and active
smokers
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 and should be a consideration topic.
Hence
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, the
government
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 should take preventive actions to restrict the distribution and sales of
tobacco
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.
This
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 regulation could decrease the issue of the increasing of
smokers
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 in many countries.

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task achievement
Consider elaborating on the solutions further. For instance, you could explore other approaches such as public awareness campaigns, increasing taxes on tobacco products, or offering support for those who want to quit smoking.
coherence cohesion
Include a stronger concluding statement that summarizes the main points and underscores the importance of the proposed solutions.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Using transitional phrases can help in maintaining flow and logical structure.
task achievement
You have addressed both parts of the prompt effectively by discussing the concerns associated with smoking and proposing a solution.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and relevant to the topic. The use of an example from Indonesia and Mekkah provides good support for your points.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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