IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Living in a big city can be bad for people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#city #people #health
In the modern world, big cities
such
 as New York and London have upgraded
than
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the past and have more technologies that help
people
 live easier and more convenient. It has been controversial that
people
 who live in a
city
 will have bad
health
. I strongly agree with
this
 statement that a
city
 can have more mental
health
 issues than the countryside, which I will discuss in the following essay.
To begin
 with, In a big
city
 which has so much
technology
 and transportation, it can cause more greenhouse and bad pollution.
For example
,
this
 year Bangkok was hotter than in the past because of the industrial plant and
technology
 that polluted
such
 as PM 2.5,
thus
, the population that has mental
health
 issues increasing every year
such
 as lung cancer.
In addition
, transportation is an important thing for
people
 because it is convenient and saves time.
Furthermore
, the countryside has less technological capacity than the cities,
therefore
,
people
 would have good
health
.
Moreover
, most
people
 in other provinces could have jobs
such
 as farmers that use low
technology
 and use cars for transportation when they have to extend to the cities.
For instance
, my uncle has a farm in Bangna that produces vegetables
such
 as corn, strawberry, durian, watermelon, orange and apple, and go to the
city
 once a week to sell them.
To sum up
, the big
city
 has more pollution that causes bad
health
,
while
 the countryside is far away from
technology
. Nowadays, the development of
technology
 is the main point that causes mental
health
 issues.
Submitted by napatnp18065322 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a response to the prompt and you have made your position clear. However, the explanation of how pollution in cities impacts mental health specifically could be more thorough.
task achievement
Ensure you address each aspect of your main points with relevant examples and elaborate on how they precisely relate to the topic.
task achievement
Expand on your main ideas with more detailed examples. For instance, explain more specifically how farming in the countryside leads to better health and why commuting once a week is healthier.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical sequence of ideas, but transitions between some of the points could be smoother. Linking phrases and conjunctions would help.
coherence cohesion
While your conclusion summarizes your points well, it could be strengthened by summarizing the main arguments more concisely.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
You've successfully framed your point of view in the introduction and conclusion, making it clear where you stand.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as your uncle's farming activities, which help support your points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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