IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Freshwater has always been a limited resource in some parts of the world. Today, however, growing worldwide demand has made this a global problem. What are the causes of this increased demand, and what measures could governments and individuals take to respond to this problem?

#resource #parts #world #demand #measures #governments #individuals
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There are limited
resources
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 of freshwater in the world and the demand is increasing. The possible reason is poor
water
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management
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,
on the other hand
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, environmental issues
such
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 as
drought
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 in many countries
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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make freshwater
resources
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 limited.
Therefore
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, the
government
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 and individuals could help
this
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 situation by building a
water
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 system to distribute freshwater to certain
areas
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 that lack freshwater. One of the possible reasons is poor
water
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management
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 that can not accommodate each region, especially in
drought
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areas
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.
This
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 poor
water
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management
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 makes the availability of
water
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 below the needs and
this
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 causes the increased request for freshwater in many regions, especially in
drought
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 regions where people depend on the distribution of freshwater from another region for their needs.
For instance
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, in Gunung Kidul, Indonesia, the consumption of freshwater is obtained by the
government
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's distribution or by walking for miles to another village
due to
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 the prolonged droughtiness.
Nevertheless
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, the
government
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 should have solutions to solve
this
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 problem.
Due to
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 these facts, a possible workaround that the
government
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 and individuals should do is build access to freshwater
resources
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 and distribute them to every region.
This
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 solution could be implemented by building an architecture of
water
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 pipes which connect different regions,
thus
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, each area of the country can access freshwater directly
while
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 the individuals could help by coordinating with local people and the
government
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 to build
this
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 architecture.
For example
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, in Kalimantan, Indonesia, the
government
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 built 1,450 meters of
water
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 pipes that connect three different villages and by implementing
this
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 solution, the people can survive in droughtiness.
Due to
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this
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 fact,
this
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 solution should be implemented in other countries to solve the increased demand for freshwater.
To conclude
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, building a
water
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 system to distribute freshwater to
drought
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areas
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 could be a workaround to
this
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 situation.
This
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 action would solve poor
water
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management
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 and the high demand for freshwater in the
areas
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 that need it.
As a result
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, the limited
resources
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 of freshwaters would be solved.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Your response adequately addresses the task, with a clear understanding of the causes of the increased demand for freshwater. However, the introduction can be more contextualized to clearly outline the specific causes and further measures that will be discussed in the essay.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but there are moments where the explanation could be more concise. Consider refining some sentences for clarity. For instance, avoid repeating similar points in different parts of the essay to maintain reader engagement.
coherence cohesion
Try to enhance the logical flow with better transitions between paragraphs. Use transitional phrases to ensure the ideas are smoothly connected from one paragraph to the next. For example, 'because of this...', 'furthermore...', 'in addition...'
task achievement
The essay presents well-supported main points, particularly with real-life examples from regions like Gunung Kidul and Kalimantan in Indonesia.
coherence cohesion
You have included a clear introduction and conclusion, which reinforce the key ideas of your essay. This helps to provide a sense of completeness to your response.
task achievement
Your explanation of poor water management and environmental issues contributing to increased demand is insightful and provides a solid foundation for your argument.
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