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Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Nowadays,
children
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 spend most of their day on screens. In my opinion,
this
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 development affects
children
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 in a negative way.
To begin
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,
children
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 waste time on their iPads because
parents
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 are not taking care of their kids.
Moreover
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,
while
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children
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 seek attention from their families
parents
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 are busy with work or chores. Giving a
child
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 the needed attention and providing the care that they need are crucial components for raising a mentally and physically healthy
child
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.
Also
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, technology can be addictive and appealing for
children
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therefore
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, controlling a
child
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 can be challenging.
However
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,
parents
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 can do fun and healthy things with their kids
such
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 as baking, riding bikes, and dancing.
Finally
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, raising a happy and healthy
child
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 depends on the
parents
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. smartphones can harm a
child
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 and cause health issues. One of the risks is obesity.
For example
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,
children
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 who don't perform any kind of activity will suffer from obesity because of the long sitting hours. Another risk is developing bad habits,
for instance
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, reduced social skills.
Children
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 who develop a social life are smart and healthy
whereas
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,
children
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 who don't are most likely depressed and sad.
In addition
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, blurred vision caused by screens is another risk.
Furthermore
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, the internet is not safe for
children
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 as there are criminals and strangers trying to fraud.
To sum up
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 there are lots of risks associated with technology which are not safe for
children
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. In conclusion, I don't believe that
children
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 should be able to waste time on iPads because of the risks and side effects of iPads and smartphones. It is recommended to lower screen time.

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task achievement
Expand on solutions in the second paragraph for a more comprehensive task achievement grade.
coherence cohesion
Consider using more transition words to enhance the flow and connection between ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has clear introduction and conclusion, contributing to a strong structure.
task achievement
Provides reasons why children spend time on smartphones and outlines risks, directly addressing the task.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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