IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many people in poor countries die from diseases that are curable because they cannot afford the medication required. Do you believe that drug companies should make their products available at reduced prices in these countries?

#people #countries #diseases #curable #medication #drug #companies #products #prices
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The high cost of modern pharmaceuticals means
people
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 in poorer
countries
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 are unable to benefit from them. I would argue that drug
companies
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 have a moral obligation to make their products available to these
people
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 and that there are other agencies that can help. Over the
last
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 few decades, there has been a dramatic improvement in medicine that has radically changed the treatment of many life-threatening diseases.
While
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 drug
companies
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 profit from treating these diseases, the fact that
people
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 in poor
countries
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 are unable to pay for these treatments has created an unacceptable degree of inequality in global access to health care. I would argue that drug
companies
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 have a responsibility to be more ethical and to address
this
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 inequality by offering cheaper generic versions of their medicines in
countries
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 that cannot afford to pay the full price.
This
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 has recently been implemented with the treatment of HIV and AIDS in some African
countries
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, saving the lives of millions of
people
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.
However
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, I
also
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 believe that there are others who have a role to play in giving poor
people
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 access to drugs.
For example
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, rich
people
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 could be encouraged to donate to charities to help developing
countries
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. An example of
this
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 was seen recently when Bill Gates spent vast sums of money to set up immunisation projects in Africa.
In addition
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 to wealthy individuals, governments could
also
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 donate aid and medical supplies. In conclusion, I would argue that it is immoral for
people
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 to be dying
as a result
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 of inequality. The value of human life should be universal and it should be the responsibility of the richer
companies
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, individuals and governments to ensure that access encompasses everyone.
Submitted by bucciarellianna3 on

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task achievement
You have provided a thorough response to the prompt and covered different perspectives. However, ensure that your examples are more varied and detailed to strengthen your arguments further.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences could be more precise and avoid repetition. Ensure each sentence adds new information or a fresh perspective.
coherence cohesion
You have effectively structured your essay, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
Your argument is well-supported with relevant examples and the essay maintains a logical flow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Pharmaceuticals
  • Generic drugs
  • Patent laws
  • Healthcare disparity
  • Subsidies
  • Non-Governmental Organizations (NGOs)
  • Intellectual property
  • Epidemiology
  • Affordability
  • Global health initiatives
  • Corporate social responsibility
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