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Band 6.5

In some cultures, children are encouraged to compete against each other. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this approach?

#cultures #children #approach
In some regions
competition
 between
children
 is encouraged.
This
 can benefit youngsters by accelerating their improvement,
while
also
 making them tough;
however
, the
competition
also
 makes them chase
perfection
 which results in being too hard on themselves. On the one hand, raising
competition
 among
children
 can boost their drive to improvement,
while
also
 teaching them to be resilient. Seeing as the other person is doing better than them makes the other person work harder to win.
Likewise
,
competition
 sometimes can be rough and some people may behave unfairly,
thus
, it
also
 teaches
children
 to be resilient and to adapt to these situations.
According to
 the research, the majority of successful people had engaged in some kind of competitive type of sport or elective during their childhood.
In other words
, it taught them to fight and work hard to achieve the desirable results.
In contrast
,
competition
also
 can form an unhealthy obsession with
perfection
, which results in exhaustion and other health problems. Pressuring
children
 to compete with each other changes their perception of
life
. Starting from school they consider they try to be the best in every aspect of their
life
, considering that only being perfect in everything means success.
Moreover
, the thought of
perfection
 contributes to leading an unsatisfactory
life
, and
as a result
, pressures people to work hard until they reach the ideal point. A recent study showed that most
of
Change preposition
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the
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overachievers suffer from exhaustion, depression, and anxiety
due to
 their constant urge to be the best in every field. In conclusion, inspiring
children
 to compete with each other improves their marks and education,
while
also
 teaching them to be confident and strong.
Whereas
 disadvantages show the future where the person is constantly chasing
perfection
 in
life
.
Submitted by katenok200312 on

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coherence
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that supporting details directly relate back to it.
coherence
Further develop and elaborate on your ideas and examples to enhance clarity and impact.
task response
Try to balance the points for both advantages and disadvantages more equally to present a well-rounded argument.
language
Be cautious of minor grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency, to improve overall clarity.
structure
The essay effectively introduces the topic and presents a clear conclusion that summarizes the main points.
task response
The main points are relevant to the topic, making the essay focused and on-task.
task response
The examples and points provided are generally clear and comprehensible, contributing to the overall quality of the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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