Some people say in other to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

It is said that the government should try to reduce
pollution
in other to prevent illnesses.
This
writer agrees with
this
statement as it will greatly reduce
diseases
. It must be understood that most
diseases
come from
pollution
. Water
pollution
cause
Replace the word
causes
show examples
stomach pain and air
pollution
can cause respiratory
problems
. If the government can reduce these factors, residents will no longer suffer from these
diseases
. What is more, the locals will not have to complain about environmental issues anymore as the air is fresher and
water
Correct article usage
the water
show examples
is clean to drink.
This
can improve life quality,
lead
Correct word choice
and lead
show examples
to reducing mental health
problems
.
For example
, in Ho Chi Minh City, air
pollution
affects residents heavily. By reducing it, the locals do not have to suffer from breathing
problems
anymore. Another consideration is if the governments can solve housing
problems
, there will not be any homeless people living
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the street. They will be less likely to be sick and not spread it to other people,
moreover
, they can
life
Replace the word
live
show examples
a better life and do not have to worry about where to stay and eat.
Consequently
, they will
less
Add a missing verb
be less
show examples
likely to be sick.
For instance
, in the USA, housing
problems
are solved by building more affordable houses.
As a result
, there are not many homeless people in the city anymore.
Additionally
, hospitals reported that the rate of illnesses
decline
Wrong verb form
declined
show examples
over the years. In conclusion, the government should solve
pollution
and housing
problems
, because
this
can dramatically reduce illnesses.
Moreover
, when
housing
Correct article usage
the housing
show examples
issue is solved, there are not any homeless inhabitants
spread
Correct pronoun usage
who spread
show examples
diseases
any more.

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introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is good, but you can make it stronger by elaborating a bit more on the main points you will discuss in the essay.
logical structure
Your points are generally clear and comprehensive, but sometimes the connections between ideas could be more explicit. Use linking words and phrases to ensure smooth transitions between ideas and paragraphs.
relevant specific examples
While you have provided relevant examples, try to make them more specific and directly connected to your points to strengthen your argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
logical structure
You raise two main points (environmental pollution and housing problems) and structure your essay well by discussing these points in separate paragraphs.
relevant specific examples
You provide appropriate examples such as the air pollution problem in Ho Chi Minh City and housing issues in the USA, which help support your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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