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Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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While
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 failure is the mother of success, competition must be the father of improvement. In order to encourage
students
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 to improve, schools are getting more competitive than ever before. Some laud its creation of a learning environment that encourages achievement;
however
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, I intend to argue that
this
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 competitive atmosphere is detrimental. In
this
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 essay, I will explore the rationale of both points of belief and proffer the justification for my own viewpoint. First of all, it is an undeniable fact that better academic results are the end product of a competitive learning environment. Seeing their classmates getting compliments and certificates,
students
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 are motivated to accomplish the same academic achievement. Indeed, they will dedicate more
time
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 and effort to studying.
Although
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, in return, schoolers may have better school performance, since investing more
time
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 and effort to study is the only key to success, they are putting their health at risk. Spending more
time
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 for revision means less
time
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 is spent on leisure and physical activities which puts schoolers at a higher risk of having health problems,
such
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 as obesity. Even more disturbing, though, is the mental health problem that they might get. One point that I believe to be absolutely pivotal is that the stress
students
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 will get from the competitive environment is enormous. Pupils with lower academic performance might
also
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 want to try the taste of achievement;
however
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, they especially those with special education needs, are lost at the starting line. No matter how much
time
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 and leisure they sacrificed, they still couldn't get the results they expected which pushes these
students
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 into corners. One particularly salient example of
this
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 is the
students
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 in Hong Kong.
As a result
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 of having a highly competitive education system, at least one student commits suicide every month. By way of conclusion,
although
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 competitions might motivate pupils to achieve better results, I once again reaffirm my position that the education system, nowadays, has put too much stress on schoolers which is detrimental to them physically and psychologically.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure paragraph breaks are clear and distinct to aid readability.
task achievement
Try to include a middle ground or balanced view to demonstrate a nuanced understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the main argument and sets up the discussion well.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, maintaining a logical flow of ideas.
task achievement
The essay addresses all parts of the task and provides a well-rounded argument.
task achievement
Both positive and negative aspects of the topic are discussed effectively, with relevant examples provided.
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