IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that schools should teach good behavior to children and introduce them to "right" and "wrong". Parents should not be the only once responsible. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #schools #behavior #children #right #parents
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It is said that educational institutions need to help
parents
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 to
upbringing
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children
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 with the right
life
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 positions, not only
parents
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 responsible for that. In my opinion, schools having appropriate skills and being a major member of
children
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's lives should be an important side in pupil's parenting by collaboration with families.
To begin
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 with,
teachers
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 shaving appropriate education and having the necessary professional skills would be more helpful for offspring than some
parents
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 who suffer themselves from the absence of appropriate
behaviour
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 or social
life
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 skills.
In other words
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, some
parents
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 having sad relationships or
life
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 experiences in their past may have not a right
life
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 assumption and
then
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 inadvertently transfer their opinion to their
children
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 developing antisocial
behaviour
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, fairs or
furthermore
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 a sense of self-doubt.
As a result
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, youngsters seek positive attitudes on other sides
such
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 as from friends, peers or
teachers
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, and if their
teachers
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 are mature adults with needed qualifications need to help them with their
upbringing
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 and explain to them not only math and physics but
also
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 behave in
life
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's essentials and values.
Hence
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, institution is a vital part of a person's development and it is
school
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 workers considered to be the second family to the young generation.
In addition
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, I tend to believe that
due to
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 the process of education and
upbringing
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 being inextricably linked, it is crucial for
children
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 that
school
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 plays a vital role in
upbringing
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 through cooperation with the family.
This
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 is because being a vast piece of growth in the
school
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 toddlers mostly learn to communicate in society within the
school
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's walls and it is
teachers
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 who can observe the first-row pupils’ social interaction with peers and could notice some problems in their
behaviour
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 and help them to develop appropriate
life
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’s attitudes.
Thus
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, neglecting to teach moral values alongside academic concepts in schools is hurting students and causing problems in society.
For example
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, scientists have proven that emotional intelligence is more important than IQ in predicting success. In conclusion, the institute makes an enormous contribution to a student's
life
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 and is
such
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 an essential factor in their lives I think that schools should help
parents
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 to grow and develop in a proper way by forming the right
behaviour
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 for the future generation.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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task response
Despite having a clear stance, there are grammatical errors and some awkward phrasing throughout the essay that disturb the fluency. Try to proofread and make the language smoother.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is coherently structured with clear points, some transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be more fluid. Using more cohesive devices will make the essay read more smoothly.
task response
Include more specific examples and evidence to support the main points. This would strengthen the arguments and make the essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Refine the thesis statement in the introduction to be clearer and align it more directly with the main points discussed in the essay.
task response
The essay presents a clear position on the topic and provides structured arguments.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion nicely frame the essay, summarizing and reinforcing the main points.
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