IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that younger people are not suitable for important positions in government. Others think that it will be a good idea for younger people to take on these positions. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some
people
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 assert that the young
generation
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 is inappropriate for significant roles in
government
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while
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 others think that it will be a good situation for younger
people
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 to take on their positions. There is a persuasive agreement that more and more young
people
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 should participate in crucial positions within the
government
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.
Firstly
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,
people
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 with long work histories tend to have deeper insights when it comes to decision-making
,
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apply
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 because they have encountered similar problems in the past and are more likely to lead a governmental organization with a practical approach. It takes time to gain industry-specific knowledge and develop soft skills required for leaders,
such
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 as conflict management, public speaking, and motivating employees. It would be almost impossible to require a junior officer to obtain all these credentials with little experience.
Furthermore
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, a great proportion of governmental organisations follow the unwritten rules of traditional seniority, which promotes employees
according to
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 seniority. Selecting young leaders will violate
this
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 norm, affecting the office dynamics detrimentally.
One
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On
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 the other hand, increasing the extent of the
generation
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 gap is more accepted as a serious problem in
modren
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modern
 society.
For example
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, in Korea, the
government
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 is struggling with the young
generation
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 with problems with housing, employment and so on.
This
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 is because they don't understand young
people
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's issues well enough, as the Korean
government
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 tends to form political groups primarily consisting of the older
generation
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.
Thus
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, to decrease the
generation
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 gap and solve issues, accepting young
people
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 in
government
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 positions. In conclusion,
while
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 some
people
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 argue that young
people
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 don't do well in important work about
government
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, the benefits of reducing the
generation
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 gap strongly support the idea of giving a position to young
people
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. I believe that young
people
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 know their own situations and problems
while
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 the other
generation
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 can't catch them.

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task achievement
To enhance your task achievement score, ensure that your essay is comprehensive and provides well-rounded arguments on both sides. Currently, the essay provides a good starting point but lacks specific examples and some detailed explanations for the points raised.
coherence cohesion
Improving your coherence and cohesion involves making your ideas flow more smoothly. Use more signposting language, like ‘Additionally’, ‘Moreover’, and ‘Conversely’, to better connect your paragraphs and the points within them.
coherence cohesion
You've done well by having an introduction and conclusion, which adds to the structure of your essay.
task achievement
The essay provides logical arguments for both sides of the discussion, which showcases a balanced viewpoint.
task achievement
Your introduction successfully outlines the two viewpoints, setting the stage for a balanced discussion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Experience and wisdom
  • Fresh perspective
  • Innovative ideas
  • Contemporary issues
  • Energy levels
  • Adaptability
  • Emerging trends
  • Enthusiasm
  • Stability
  • Maintaining the status quo
  • Maturity and responsibility
  • Risk-taking
  • Far-reaching consequences
  • In touch with
  • Representative governance
  • Historical examples
  • Proven track record
  • Changing dynamics
  • Fresh leadership
  • Modern issues
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