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Band 6

Some people think that success in life comes from hardwork and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #hardwork #determination #factors #money #appearance
In modern society, some individuals believe that winning in life comes from dedication and perseverance.
Whilst others
Correct word choice
Others
show examples
 think that there are more vital aspects
such
 as financial resources and appearance. Both sides of the argument are discussed in detail in
this
 article, and in
this
 essay, I will give reasons to support the first view. On the one hand, it is true that attractiveness and money play an important role in human activity, especially in the fashion industry and model industry. First of all, to be successful in the financial field, you can not work nine-to-five jobs, you have to launch your own business, which costs a ton of money since you have to hire staff, rent your office, and pay for many things so that your company can run fluently.
As a result
, it costs you a bunch of time to earn much money, so you do not have time for yourself to your surroundings.
Secondly
, having a good-looking face with a perfect shape of body gives not only job opportunities but
also
 love.
For instance
, fashion models whose faces have a golden ratio tend to have the attraction of directors and fashionistas.
Nevertheless
, for those who prefer discipline and dedication, hard work and determination are their goal in soul.
Firstly
, becoming a hard-working person is not easy because you have to force yourself to do things that you do not want to
or
Add a missing verb
do or
show examples
 things that you have never done before.
Consequently
, you will get better each
day
 if you can control yourself.
Moreover
, for many individuals, getting better
day
 by
day
 by one per cent each
day
 is their long-term goal, so they have to be a determined person and have to be consistent with their own path.
To conclude
, being wealthy
andhaving
Correct your spelling
and having
apretty
Correct your spelling
a pretty
pretty
 face can help people get more chances in life, but in the long path, you have to stick with your decisions and be dedicated.
Submitted by vananhdo168 on

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clear comprehensive ideas
Your main points are relevant, but you could add more specific examples and elaborate further on some ideas to strengthen your arguments and make the essay more persuasive.
supported main points
Ensure all sentences clearly support the main points of your arguments. Some sentences in the second body paragraph could be made clearer with additional explanation or examples.
complete response
You have addressed both sides of the argument and provided your opinion, which is essential for task response.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps readers understand your stance and the purpose of the discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • commitment
  • achievement
  • legendary figures
  • humble beginnings
  • sheer will
  • financial resources
  • societal perceptions
  • intrinsic qualities
  • extrinsic factors
  • advantageous circumstances
  • nuanced perspective
  • financial stability
  • societal biases
  • dynamics
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