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Band 7

Some people think that in modern society individuals are becoming more dependent on each other. Others believe people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #society #individuals
In
this
 day and age, it is often said that
people
 rely more on each other.
However
, others think they do not.
This
 writer will discuss both viewpoints and give an opinion. It must be understood that individuals become more dependent
due to
 the development of devices and technology.
In other words
, these things are too developed and convenient, so
people
 can use them to do every
work
.
As a result
, they will utilize technology in everything they do and become more dependent on them. Taking study as an example, most
people
 do not do their exercises or homework by themselves and they ask the Internet for help.
However
, another point to consider is that individuals will “go farther and faster” if they
work
 independently. To be more specific, it requires a lot of determination and effort from the learners or workers. They need to find out or research the information by themselves.
Consequently
, they can
work
 effectively with independence.
For instance
, Uncle Ho found a way to save the country by himself and he was successful in saving the country.
Therefore
,
that is
 the reason why some
people
 want to
work
 or study independently. In my opinion, working independently
also
 helps us to gain the knowledge to ourselves and
this
 may be a strength in some situations.
Thus
, working independently plays an important role in the success of humans. In conclusion,
this
 writer has pointed out all viewpoints and encourages
people
 to
work
 alone.
However
, we
also
 need to
work
 in a team if it is necessary.
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task achievement
Your essay effectively covers both viewpoints as required by the task. However, be sure to develop each idea more thoroughly to showcase a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, make sure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Consider using transition phrases to enhance coherence.
task achievement
Incorporating more specific and varied examples would strengthen your essay's argument. Try to avoid relying on a single example for support.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines what the essay will cover, and that the conclusion summarizes the main points while providing your final opinion effectively.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task directly, summarizing both views and providing a clear opinion.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You make some good points about the influence of technology and the benefits of independence, which are relevant to the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalized economy
  • collaborative work environments
  • crowd-sourced
  • empowered
  • perception
  • availability
  • autonomy
  • reliance
  • shifted
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