IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Doctors recommend that older people exercise regularly. However, many of them do not get enough exercise. What are the reasons? What can be done to encourage them to exercise more?

#doctors #people #exercise
Despite the physicians' recommendation for more daily physical activities for elderlies, they often do not be active enough. The forthcoming essay shall discuss the causes of
this
 problem and provide some solutions to motivate them Some of the most common reasons for senior’s sedentary lifestyle are their depression and physical pain.
To begin
 with, the majority of old
people
 are living alone in their own place, and entertain themselves just by watching the news and movies. Their fixed routine and monotonous lifestyle lead them to isolation and most of them prefer to stay home for days
instead
 of going out for a walk.
Stay
Wrong verb form
Staying
show examples
 home for long periods and
do
Verb problem
apply
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not
have
Wrong verb form
having
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 any social activities intensify their depression which prevents them from doing any exercise.
Besides
, older
people
 usually suffer from severe physical pain,
such
 as backache and knee inflation.
This
 is because they had unhealthy diets and inactive lifestyles when they were young. So, in their sixties or seventies is kind of impossible for them to follow regular sports.
However
, there are some measures that could be taken to encourage seniors, with mental and physical health, to be more active.
Firstly
, the healthcare centres should hold some monthly events in order to gather old
people
. These kinds of events might help them to lessen their loneliness and give them a chance to meet
people
. They may be motivated by their new friends to be more active and follow some regular sport.
Secondly
, the governments should allocate some budget for improving the sports facilities just for old
people
.
This
 means they have to provide some special gyms for elderlies with modern machines and professional coaches. If regular exercise decreased their physical pain, they would continue their sport
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their own will. In conclusion, the majority of the old generation tends to relax all day because of their negative emotions and movement disorders. They could be pushed to be more active by participating in various events and therapy salons.
Submitted by Negar_seddigh on

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task achievement
While the essay successfully addresses the task and provides both reasons and solutions for the issue, adding more specific examples or case studies would further enhance the relevance and depth of the response.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are a bit lengthy and can be broken down into shorter ones. This will improve readability and ensure that your ideas are clearer and more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Connecting sentences and paragraphs more effectively with linking words will improve the logical flow of your essay. Additionally, try to ensure that each paragraph contains one main idea and supporting details for that idea.
introduction conclusion present
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion and summarizing main points.
supported main points
The main points are generally well-supported with relevant arguments and reasoning, making the essay persuasive and comprehensive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • motivation
  • physical limitations
  • lack of time
  • fear of injury
  • exercise facilities
  • misunderstanding
  • benefits of exercise
  • social support
  • poor health conditions
  • awareness
  • appropriate exercises
  • guidance
  • financial constraints
What to do next:
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