IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people.

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The importance of education for young
people
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 has become all-pervasive over the long history. So the government should spend more money on the
activity
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 at the
time
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 that young
people
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 are free.
Whereas
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 many put forward the opposite proposition. I hold to the belief that the imperfectness of
this
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 education is far outweighed by its practical benefits. First and foremost, the detrimental impact that money of government has on the free
time
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 of young
people
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 is a thing that should be considered seriously. Obviously, the money will be wasted if they upgrade the facilities for
activity
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, the younger won’t be using it. It should be pointed out that many young
people
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 spend more
time
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 at home for play games, chatting, stay a place for a long
time
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 rather than
people
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 enjoying sports.
Furthermore
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, one of the critical problems associated with the young spent few
time
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 on the study than playing.
For example
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, the government improve the quality of young
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
activity
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 so they will be captive and not interested in studying.
Nevertheless
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, there is incontrovertible that there are a wide range of practical benefits that
this
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 policy provides the society in general and the young
in particular
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. The remarkable feature of
this
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 type of education is that helps young
people
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 reduce stress after
time
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 study hard work. Having enjoyed their hobby to feel comfortable and not depressed about the poor quality.it is true that the young
also
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 like to do activities but the quality of those is so outdated and not captive them.
For example
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, the new stadium or gymnasium, which captivates the young with the new equipment. In conclusion,
this
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 new offer with excellent amenities helps young with reduce stress and encourages them to do
activity
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 than stay at home
for
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to
show examples
 be lazy. Modern society will significantly from
this
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 convenience.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your stance in the introduction and provide a clear thesis statement. It will help in providing a solid foundation for your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure every paragraph has a clear main idea, and make sure to develop it fully with well-supported arguments.
coherence cohesion
Connect ideas logically; use transition words to smoothen the flow of your essay. Phrases like 'on the other hand,' 'moreover,' and 'as a result' can be useful.
task achievement
Provide more specific and relevant examples to strengthen your arguments and make your essay more compelling.
task achievement
Pay attention to sentence structure and try to avoid awkward or confusing phrasing.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes your main points well and reiterates your stance clearly.
task achievement
You addressed the given topic and provided arguments from both perspectives, which adds depth to your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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